WEEK SIX NOTES

Playoff Watch
Three teams are sitting very pretty right now at 5-1. History tells us that you have a 100 percent chance of making the playoffs if you start 4-2 or better AND your team nickname is not Iguanas. That bodes well for defending champion The Man Whores, Cityname Sports Team and Tecmo Bowls.

There's a glut of teams at 3-3, five in all. As of now, it appears they are fighing for three playoff spots. The Widow Makers are in the worst shape as their point total is below that of two 2-4 teams.

There's no data on the subject opf 0-6 teams, but we're pretty sure the Steeltown Stunners will not make the playoffs. The question now is what team they may upset in the consolation playoffs to avoid the Team Mom.

Power Rankings
Buoyed by it's second straight week with 125+ points, the Trough Drinkers made a move to No. 2 in the Power Rankings, despite a 3-3 record.

The Man Whores remained on top, but surprisingly, 5-1 teams Tecmo Bowls and Cityname Sports Team are ranked sixth and seventh, respectively.

In a race eveyone is watching, Nick Sabans Hair Dye climbed out of the cellar, relegating the Steeltown Stunners to the bottom spot. Both teams are well below the Conte Line (350).

The Belt
Nick Sabans Hair Dye took down Tecmo Bowls to win "The Belt." It is the second time NSHD has ever won the belt, doing so last year in week 11.

Atlanta's Defense was Inspired

They lost their only title defense to Cityname Sports Team in week 10 last year. Wall Street Journals, you're on deck.

Trough Drinkers Remain Hot With Third Straight Win
The Trough Drinkers set a league record for points in consecutive weeks with 276 as they took down the Iron City Iguanas, 129-119.

Aaron Rodgers was the difference, putting up the second most points in league history with 50. Ahmad Bradshaw managed 17 points against the 49ers Defense and Atlanta chipped in 30 points via its kicker and defense.

The Iguanas seemed to be in control after Robert Griffin III gallopped for a 76-yard touchdown run late Sunday afternoon en route to his 35 points. However, Rodgers epic performance flipped the script.

In a last-ditch effort, Antonio Gates hopped in the Delorean and went back to 2008 to score 20 points. However, it wasn't enough. It was the second most points ever scored in an OFFL loss.

Wall Street Lobbys Its Way to Victory
Facing the One-Term Wonders, it was clear the only way the Wall Street Journals would get a victory was through lobbying and their SuperPAC. Luckily for Travis, the dollars have been flowing.

Wall Street eviscerated the One-Term Wonders, 103-59. Peyton Manning had 27 points and three receivers combined for 46 points in the win. The Journals did it despite starting Willis McGahee and Lamar Miller at running back. Lamar Miller. Not even Chad would do that.

The Wonders were plain atrocious. James Starks and William Powell at running back? Hell, I think Doak Walker and Jim Brown scored two points each this week just out of respect.

Stunners Drop Sixth Straight to Open Season
The Steeltown Stunners set a new OFFL record for futility to open a season by falling to 0-6 with a 118-83 loss to Vandelay Industries.

For the Industries, everyone was scoring. Five players reached double digits and seven had eight points or more. It's a good thing they're in latex, otherwise all that scoring might have gotten someone pregnant. Slipping one past the goalie is never a good idea.

We won't bother with a breakdown of the Stunners. You get it.

Hair Dye End Tecmo Bowls Unbeaten Run
The Tecmo Bowls saw their undefeated streak come to an end with a 101-75 loss to Nick Sabans Hair Dye.

Having made the playoffs every year of the OFFL, NSHD was in a must-win situation to keep that streak alive. And their team came through. Known for drafting rookies, Kyle Rudolph paid off last week with 13 points. Team Whitey also got 21 from Matt Stafford, 19 from Wes Welker and 15 from Eric Decker. White is the new black.

Meanwhile, the Tecmo Bowls were a major disappointment. Tom Brady scored 21 points and Jason Hanson kicked in 14. The rest of the team took a big, steaming dump on the point total. Part of this falls on the owner. Who is Jeremy Kerley and why is he starting? You should never start a player who, when you google him, you get this result.

Vick and Macklin Lead Cityname Sports Team to Victory
Michael Visk and connected with Jeremy Maclin for a combined 42 points as Cityname Sports Team scored a 91-74 win over the Green Iguanas.

Cityname got an unexpected 14 points from their kicker, Lawrence Tynes, while AP and Alfred Morris added 12 and 14 points, respectively.

The team balance was too much for the Green Iguanas to overcome. Ray Rice and Larry Fitzgerald tried, scoring 37 points combined. Unfortunately, like real life, they are one-man shows.

Philip Rivers decided to have his "I hate my fantasy owners" game with five turnovers. Of course, then he just went to the beach. I hate rich people in San Diego. Mostly because instead of sitting on 280, they sit on the beach. Bitches.

Man Whores Beat Widow Makers
If you want a recap of a 74-51 victory, you're  barking up the wrong tree. Everyone sucked.

WEEK FIVE NOTES

Playoff Watch
Who would have thunk it? The Parker Sizemore-owned Tecmo Bowls are the first team in league history to start 5-0. Every team with at least eight wins has made the playoffs. And only two of 12 to go 7-6 have failed to make the playoffs. So you have to like the Bowls chances, even if Parkay is in charge.

In the second tier at 4-1, The Man Whores and Cityname Sports Team hope to avoid the fate of both 4-1 teams from a year ago. At this point in 2011, the two Iguana franchises sported a 4-1 record. Remember the two 7-6 teams to not make the playoffs, there ya go.

The Steeltown Stunners join the 2010 Green Iguanas as the only teams in league history to start 0-5. Another loss would set an OFFL record. Put the champagne on ice.

At 1-4, Nick Sabans Hair Dye has a sliver of a chance. Last year, NSHD-rival the One-Term Wonders rebounded from a 1-4 start to make the playoffs. They're the only such team out of four in league annals to start with such a record.

For the rest of you middling teams. It's a historical coin flip when you're 3-2 or 2-3. However, if you can get to 4-2, you have an 86% percent chance. But, if you fall to 2-4, you're goose is cooked. Mmmmm, goose. Tastes like Iguana.

Power Rankings
The top two are no surprise as they match the top two in the standings, only flip-flopped (this note sponsored by John Kerry [you're welcome Zac]). The Man Whores are on pace for an all-timer of a season with a rating of 845. The league record is 741.

After the Tecmo Bowls in second, the remainder of the rankings are a flip-flop of the standings. The teams currently in ranked 7-9 in the standings are 3-5 in the power rankings. That's the Wall Street Journals, One-Term Wonders and Green Iguanas.

Meanwhile, the teams ranked 3-5 in the standings are 8-10 in the power rankings. That's Cityname Sports Team, The Widow Makers and Iron City Iguanas.

Despite it's 0-5 record, the Steeltown Stunners are looking down on Nick Sabans Hair Dye, and you know they're loving it. Both teams are on epically bad paces, but the Hair Dye's level is astonishing. If they had played every team (11 games), in all five weeks of the season, they would have a 5-46-4 record. That's five wins. It's a minor miracle one of those happened to be scheduled so they are actually 1-4 in the OFFL standings.

It begs the question: What has happened to management of Nick Sabans Hair Dye? This is a franchise with three playoff appearances. Have they been sniffing too much ginger? Is it the lack of trash talk from ownership? Nobody knows, but something is a-rye.

The Belt
This is where you go, "nobody cares about the fucking belt." Well I do, so suck it up for a paragraph or two. Besides that, I'm working up my drunkenness. I can't just dive into recaps sober.

The Tecmo Bowls held onto the belt by taking down Vandelay Industries. They have now successfully defended the Belt twice. If they win this week, they will join 2009 The Man Whores as the only teams to do so three times.

The Bowls are just the sixth team in league history to successfully defend the title twice, the last being Cityname Sports Team in 2011 from weeks 11-12. Surprisingly, the other teams to do so were Jamaicazilian Flava, the Wall Street Journals, The Widow Makers. Yes, that Jamaicazilian Flava.

Trough Drinkers Tie League Record in Win
This was just unfair. Everyone came to play for the Trough Drinkers in a 147-59 victory. The beatdown tied for the largest in league history at 88-points.

Aaron Rodgers, Percy Harvin and Ahmad Bradshaw all scored 22 or better. Trent Richardson and the ageless one (Tony Gonzalez), chipped in 18 a piece. Everyone else was solid. Dwayne Bowe was the slacker with a measly six points.

More importantly, how did Harvin not get distracted by this level of stupid?

Meanwhile, the Wall Street Journals had five players score fewer than Bowe's total. Peyton Manning put up a fight with 28 points, but like in real life, the rest of his team sucked.

The Journals have been a bit unlucky as all three of their losses have come when the opponent scored the most points in the league that week. It's the curse of the TEAM MOM!

Widow Makers Turn Back the Clock for Victory
It felt like 2007 the way The Widow Makers were putting up points in a 129-82 victory over the One-Term Wonders.

Drew Brees hit the moon with 35 points. But the surprise came from Reggie Wayne and Brandon Marshall who wnet 2007 and cranked that Soulja Boy to the tune of 27 and 20 points, respectively.

You can't overlook double-digit point totals from the Purple People Eaters, Donald Brown and Vernon Davis.

Outside of Eli Manning and Ray Lewis -- err, the Ravens Defense -- the Wonders didn't put up too much of a fight.

We in the OFFL offices think we know why. Most of the Wonders players played their games this week in the blue-leaning locations of New York (QB, WR, TE), Washington, D.C. (WR) and California (RB). Only the defense played in a red-leaning state as the Ravens played at Kansas City. Ha, the defense. We won't bother with swing states or hanging chads (why is that not Chad's team name?). Clearly the NFL and electoral college have a liberal bias.

Lauren Tannehill

Whores Run Win Streak to Four
The Man Whores got five huge performances while the Iron City Iguanas got six Craig-like performances in a easy 115-74 victory.

Victor Cruz led the way with 23 points, Arian Foster scored 22 while Matt Ryan and Devery Henderson tallied 19 and 18, respectively. Wait. Who the hell is Devery Henderson? He's this guy.

Oh, Iron City. What goes through your mind when you set your lineup? "I'm gonna win this week! Jackie Battle will get me at least 10 points!" Does that happen?

The Iguanas had five players score three or fewer points, and another with just five points. That's a Craig-like performance. Maybe Ryan Tannehill would have helped. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE PICK UP RYAN TANNEHILL?!?!?!?!

Tecmo Bowls Go to 5-0
Despite an uninspiring performance, the Tecmo Bowls became the first team in league history to start 5-0 with an 80-76 victory.

Vandelay Industries got horrible performances from Brandon Lloyd, MJD and Jimmy Graham, as they combined for eight points. Oh yeah, Matt Hasselback was the quarterback.

The Bowls weren't much better. But Tom Brady scored 20 while Michael Turner, Reggie Bush and Blair Walsh (I think she was on 90210), each added 12.

Stunners Go Down Again
A week after their best performance of the season, the Steeltown Stunners remained winless with a 125-71 loss to the Green Iguanas.

The Iguanas were fortunate enough to get 31 points from Marques Colston, 20 from Philip Rivers and 16 from Jamaal Charles.

The Stunners got a max of 16 from two players, but also continued to suffer from starting CJ2K, and took a -1 from him. Apparently "2K" translates to "fuck your frantasy team" in OFFL language.

Cam Newton's not helping.

Cityname Sports Team Wins
It was 82-67. Nobody was good, except for Stevan Ridley, sort of. Many players were bad.

WEEK FOUR NOTES

Playoff Watch
After four weeks, we're getting a pretty good idea of what teams will likely make the playoffs, and which teams might start tanking for a high draft pick. The Tecmo Bowls are sitting pretty at 4-0. As long as they don't trade Ray Rice for an injured Darren McFadden, they should avoid the fate bestowed upon the Iron City Iguanas last year.

Three teams at 3-1 should all feel good. In OFFL history, seven teams have had three wins after four weeks. One non-playoff team was owned by Carlos, so that doesn't really count. Five of the remaining six have made the playoffs.

On the other end, the Steeltown Stunners might as well pack it in. No 0-4 team has ever made the playoffs. The one-win teams have slightly more to be excited about. Each of the past three years, one 1-3 team has reached the playoffs. Of the current 1-3 teams, the Trough Drinkers are the only one to turn the trick.

The 2-2 teams are pretty much a coin flip right now, as eight of 14 teams have made the playoffs.

Power Rankings
The Power Rankings are back and the Man Whores are the runaway leaders. The 4-0 Tecmo Bowls are mired in fourth, suggesting their wins are more the result of a lackluster schedule so far.

On the back end, Nick Saban's Hair Dye and the Steeltown Stunners have been historically bad. It's still early, so we'll try not to pile on. But the Hair Dye's season high is 86 points, which is lower than four teams lowest point total, including the 1-3 Trough Drinkers.

The rankings are based on what each team's record would have been had it played every team in the league every week. In each of the previous three seasons, five of the top six teams (and strangely the No. 8 team) have made the playoffs. Without further ado, your Week Eight Power Rankings:

Rk Team
1 The Man Whores (2) 875
2 Wall Street Journals 705
3 Iron City Iguanas (1) 648
4 Tecmo Bowls 636
5 Vandelay Industries 580
6 One-Term Wonders 568
7 Cityname Sports Team (1)523
8 Trough Drinkers 455
9 Green Iguanas 420
10 The Widow Makers 341
11 Nick Sabans Hair Dye 136
12 Steeltown Stunners 114

OFFL Championship Belt
If the OFFL was like boxing, and had a championship belt (don't discount this actually happening), you'd have to beat the champ to be the champ.

The Tecmo Bowls defended "The Belt" in their first chance by taking down the Iron City Iguanas. They won The Belt the week before by winning a battle of 3-0 teams over the Wall Street Journals. This week, Vandelay Industries gets it's chance to reclaim The Belt for the first time since the opening week of the season.

Dating back to the inaugural week, the Bean Counters won the Battle Royal for the belt with a league high 135 points. Since then, team's have beaten each other back and forth more times than the Macho Man dropped an elbow from the top rope.

Tecmo Bowls Win Battle of Undefeateds

Tony can throw as many picks as he wants.

For the fourth straight week, the Tecmo Bowls overachieved, and for the fourth straight week they won. Team smoke and mirrors took down then-undefeated Iron City Iguanas, 106-81, to remain the final unbeaten team in the OFFL this season.

If the Bowls win next week, we're officially changing their name to the VooDoo. This week, they started Steve Smith (The Fast One), Anquan Boldin, Michael Turner, Ben Tate, Dennis Pitta and Danny Amendola. Basically, they could have drafted Tom Brady, then taken the next six rounds off.

The Iron City Iguanas were flat awful, six positions scored five points or less. They completely wasted Tony Romo's five-interception effort that led to 26 points for the Bears Defense. The last time Romo spluged that much, Jessica Simpson was hot.

The Man Whores Nearly Set League Record in Victory
It started on Thursday night when Torrey Smith provided an emotional 15 points. It ended with an epic 149-75 blowout victory for The Man Whores over Nick Sabans Hair Dye.

The Whores scored at will, mimicking Saban at a AOPi Social. Smith was one of seven players to score 14 points or more for the Whores, including 29 by Matt Ryan and 31 by the 49ers Defense.

The Hair Dye, which rode team Whitey to victory last week, was victimized this week by the fact that most of its team was white. It's not a recipe for victory.

Wonders Ride Prime Time Performances to Victory
It was early Sunday evening and the Green Iguanas were toasting a likely victory. Little did they know a 75-61 lead would turn into a 115-105 loss to the One-Term Wonders.

It was a phenomenal matchup as 12 players hit double figures, and both teams easily exceeded their projections. Roddy White's 28-point performance was the difference for a team that scored 115 points despite being projected to score 81.

That brings up another point. Who the hell does Yahoo's projections. And how on earth does that guy still have a job? I mean, if someone was that bad at fantasy football, we'd kick them out of the OFFL. Unless their name was Chad.

Journals Drop Stunners to 0-4
It was the best effort of the year for the Steeltown Stunners, but they were overshadowed by a Wall Street Journals outing that would make Randolph Duke proud. The Journals scored a 136-95 win that left the Stunners winless.

Usually a staple of the Stunners (because they draft the Steelers in the fourth round every year), they were outscored 25-1 on defense. However, they still would have needed 20 more points to win this week. It's an extremely non descript performance by the Stunners (five players scored six points or less).

Meanwhile, the Journals went for double figures from seven positions, including 31 from Peyton Manning and 25 from the Texans defense. When Calvin Johnson is your worst player, you're probably going to win. It's like being the ugliest Backstreet Boy at a bar.

Cityname RBs Make Difference in Victory over Industries
Stevan Ridley, Alfred Morris and Adrian Peterson combined for 51 points as Cityname Sports Team coasted to a 98-75 victory over Vandelay Industries.

Maurice Jones-Drew and Ryan Mathews continue to be an enigma for the Industries and starting Carson Pamer at quarterback never helps.

Trough Drinkers Finally Win, Beat Widow Makers
In an abysmal matchup, the Trough Drinkers scored their first win of the year, 96-76, over The Widow Makers. The quarterbacks dueled to a near draw, leaving Trent Richardson to make the difference.

Aaron Rodgers 34 points was cancelled out by Drew Brees 35. Brandon Marshall's 19 was almost matched by Dwayne Bowe's 16. Outside of that, only two players scored more than six points, and they both belonged to the Drinkers.

Here is where we would normally write more about the game, but the Commish is hammered and this game matchup sucked. Good night.