Week One Notes

Dear Yahoo! Sports,
I don't know who the hell you think you are, but you are not the Commissioner of The OFFL. Neither are you a member. Where do you get off writing recaps? I see no quotes from a team owner about the game. I see now anecdotes mockingly comparing any teams to Jamaicazilian Flava.

Not the same.

We get it. You're trying to make sucky leagues better, leagues that don't have a waiting list. But that's not us. We're the Overrated Fantasy Football League and you better recognize. There are no "smooth moves." There is a "Lucky-Ass." There is no "regret tracker." There is a "Bonehead." Get your shit together, then come back at us with your lame-ass recap and notes. Clearly, you're note-bot was not drunk when he/she (robot boobs?) wrote this. Pay attention.

Yours in Beer,
The OFFL Commish

Monday Night Miracle Takes Down Whores
Despite being favored by eight while facing two-time champion The Man Whores, the One-Term Wonders looked overmatched all day Sunday. The Baltimore Defense changed all that on Monday as they overcame not only an 11-point defense, but also Torrey Smith to deliver an improbable 110-107 week one victory to the Wonders.

The Whores got huge performances from Matt Ryan (37 points), Arian Foster (19) and Lance Moore (who?) en route to a 101-90 lead after Sunday. To celebrate, owner Justin Limbaugh sipped on champagne and ate from his favorite Corvallis diner. Meanwhile, the Wonders were motivating Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and company by telling them they never shot anybody. Convictions, Schmonvictions. The Ravens Defense responded with 20 points on Monday night and an improbable Wonders victory.

The Whores may have two stars, but right now they have zero wins and one loss.

Vandelay Escapes With One-Point Win
Tony Romo scored 28 points as Vandelay Industries held off Brandon Weeden gift-wrapping 16 points to the Eagles Defense to score a 94-93 victory over The Widow Makers.

It was the fourth game in OFFL history decided by one point, the first to involve two teams scoring at least 90 points.

The contest could have turned into a one-point win for The Widow Makers had they started Chad Craig's Chinstrap instead of Ryan Williams. Or, if he had just broken his leg while stretching. In case you haven't done the math, Williams scored negative-2 points. Ironically, it's the same amount as Chad's chinstrap is worth in real life, however, two points fewer in fantasy.

Running Game, Defense Lifts Sports Team
Lee Corso put an oversized beer bottle on his head during OFFL GameDay as he chose the Trough Drinkers to beat Cityname Sports Team. The reigning Plastic Cup holders were not amused, letting their running backs and defense score 58 points in a 119-93 bitch-slapping of the Drinkers.

Neither Adrian Peterson nor Stevan Ridley was projected to do much. Apparently the bulletin board material made it to Minnesota and Foxborough as each went for 20 points. The Patriots defense chipped in 18 points while Nate Kaeding added 16 (one for each tear Justin Limbaugh shed during his loss) in the win.

The Drinkers had six players in double-figures. But they also had the Bills defense, which the Jets treated like Sully's girlfriends. They scored at will.

Young Guns Carry Iron City to Victory
The Iron City Iguanas have never gone to the playoffs. They've never even been any good. In fact, if their owner wasn't undershadowed by his own brother, you'd expect him to be the butt of weekly notes jokes. Instead, you just expect to collect your victory and move on.

Wes Welker Still Goes Home to This.

That is, until now. The Iguanas were the runaway choice in the OFFL preseason poll. And that was before Griffining became the new thing. Six of the Iguanas nine players underperformed according to Yahoo, and they still won, 103-92.

RGIII led the way with 28 while fellow dread-head Julio (the J is silent to Brian only) scored 22. The Wall Street Journals had no chance. Peyton Manning was a pleasant surprise with 24 points, but only five points out of the running game (thanks Willis and DeAngelo) didn't really help.

Rice, Cutler Deliver for Green Iguanas
Jay Cutler went for 22 points while Ray Rice added 20 as the Green Iguanas easily took down Nick Sabans Hair Dye.

Ironically for the Hair Dye, Wes Welker, who has admitted to getting hair plugs, decided not to help the cause with one point. Matthew Stafford and his douche bangs clearly don't care about the Hair Dye either, scoring only 11 points in week one. Hey, you've still got Rob Bironas.

Tecmo Bowls Beat Stunners
ZZZzzzzzz. 88-74. What Yahoo Said.