WEEK THREE NOTES

Hair Dye Paste Wonders

Eric Decker's fiancee is a 13.

Six players scored in double-figures to lead a balanced Nick Sabans Hair Dye squad to an 86-82 victory over the One-Term Wonders.

Team Whitey was the real hero in the win. Wes Welker and Rob Bironas had 14 points each to go with Matt Stafford's 20. If you count half of Miles Austin's 10 and half of Eric Decker's 13 too, you have a pretty good day for the 60s southerners.

In fact, Whitey would have beaten Cityname Sports Team by 28½ (yeah, yeah, they would have beaten the Steeltown Stunners by 29½, but we're trying not to make fun of Chad this week).

When asked why he didn't start Matt Schaub and his 32 points, Wonders coach Greg Schreiber just stared into space before sobbing uncontollably and wetting his pants. His mom could not be reached for comment.

Green Iguanas Go Down to Whores
In a contest highlighted by monster performances, it was a bagel by Philip Rivers that ultimately cost the Green Iguanas in a 96-92 loss to defending champion The Man Whores.

Both teams got big performances from their running backs and receivers, but the difference came at the quarterback position as Matt Ryan put up 26 points to Rivers zero.

It was a waste for the Iguanas, who had a huge performance out of backup Andre Brown with 24 points on top of Ray Rice's typical 20-point outing.

For the Whores, Torrey Smith honored his brother with 24 points. However, victory was not certain until Marshawn Lynch ran for 13 points and Mason Crosby kicked in nine on Monday night.

Brotherly Love?
In what can only be described as a beatdown of brotherly proportions, the Iron City Iguanas decimated the Steeltown Stunners, 115-41.

More importantly than the victory, Iguanas owner Hal Craig gained a measure of revenge against his brother Chad, who is clearly the real father of Hal's second daughter, Harper.

Rumors have been swirling for months, but we now know a paternity test is pointless. The ruthlessness of this victory all but proves the Iguanas have had this game circled on their calender since Dec. 14.

Tecmo Bowls Stay Undefeated
In true non-video game vashion, the Tecmo Bowls rode their defense and kicker to a third straigt victory, beating the Wall Street Journals 111-96.

The Cardinals defense led the way with 26 points and Jason Hanson added 16 to pace the Bowls. We're not sure Tecmo Bowl even recognizes a tight end, but some guy named Dennis Pitta scored 11 points.

Not even 25 points from Peyton Manning and 22 from Megatron cound save the day for the Journals. Three positions scored three points or less for them. That included Rob Gronkowski, who scored all his points on porn stars instead of for the Journals.

Vandelay Wraps Up Drinkers
AJ, CJ and MJD hooked up for 60 total points and Aaron Rodgers disappointed once again as 2010 champ Vandelay Industries moved to 2-1 with a 103-85 victory over the Trough Drinkers.

The hapless Drinkers start 0-3 for the second time in three seasons. The 2010 version remains the lone OFFL team to make the playoffs after such an awful start.

The Industries entered Monday night with a tenuous 27-point lead with Drinkers QB Aaron Rodgers left to play. That was when Rodgers still had the ability to score 27 points in a single game, as opposed to over a three-week span.

The only think that kept it close was Mikel LeShoure's 19 points. Lucky for the Drinkers, the OFFL began allowing gay Frenchmen in the league when it admitted Parkay as an owner.

Widow Makers Win
Drew Brees scored 24 while Vernon Davis and Antonio Brown each added 11. That's 46 points. They may as well have stopped there.

Five players scored exactly three points for Cityname Sports Team in an embarrassing 86-42 loss. It was the fifth fewest points scored in league history.

Somehow both of these teams are 2-1.

WEEK TWO NOTES

Playoff Watch
For the third time in four years of the OFFL, three or fewer teams are 2-0 after two weeks. Parity reigns, although there is still a Cleveland Browns clone in the OFFL. Not surprisingly, it's the Steeltown Stunners, who are 0-2 for the third time in four years.

Teams that have started 2-0 have made the playoffs 66.7% of the time. Those starting 0-2 have a 22.2% chance of making the playoffs. The Trough Drinkers in 2010 and One-Term Wonders in 2011 are giving you losers hope.

If you're 1-1 and thinking it's not a must-win this week, you're right. Sort of. Eleven of 13 teams with a 2-1 record have made the playoffs while just four of 15 having started 1-2 have. You don't have to win, but you should.

The Belt
If the OFFL was run by boxing promoters and four different championship organizations, we would have a belt (or four). To win it, you would have to beat the team that owned the belt (just like in boxing). With their 120-105 victory over Vandelay Industries, the Wall Street Journals claimed "The Belt" for the fourth time in their history last week.

Two of the previous three times, they have lost immediately after winning the belt. That puts you on deck Tecmo Bowls.

The Belt was awarded to the Bean Counters in Week One of 2009 after they scored the most points. Since then, whoever has defeated the belt holder in the regular season has taken over its honor.

Reggie Bush's Inspiration

Drinkers Wake Up In Familiar Place
For the second straight week, the Trough Drinkers posted a respectable score in the 90s. For the second straight week, they got Iced. This time it was the Tecmo Bowls scoring the victory, 100-92.

The Tecmo Bowls victory was rather miraculous as Reggie Bush and Danny Amendola combined for 50 points. Danny Freakin Amendola. If that wasn't enough, Jason Hanson kicked in 13 points to help the Bowls to a 2-0 start. In related news, you can now ice skate in hell. At least Tonya Harding will be happy.

The Drinkers should have known they were in trouble when first-round pick, Aaron Rodgers scored just 11 points, fewer than the Packers kicker. Unfortunately, State Farm's discount double-check doesn't offer insurance for shitty play.

Sports Team Holds Off Wonders for 2-0 Start
Roddy White made a valiant effort, scoring 16 points on Monday Night Football, but it wasn't enough for the One-Term Wonders as they fell 85-82 to Cityname Sports Team.

Five players scored exactly eight points for the Sports Team, proving once and for all that Nate Kaeding's legs have the same value as Adrian Peterson's. The Philly connection of Michael Vick and Brent Celek put Cityname over the top with a combined 35 points.

The Wonders suffered their first loss of the 2012 election season despite Eli Manning's 29-point outburst. The team's undoing was four or fewer points out of four different positions, including Dez Bryant at the Flex. If he doesn't start drinking soon, he may never play well again. If I don't, these notes might not get any better.

Defending Champs Lay Wood to Stunners
This was the rough equivalent of Savannah State playing at Oklahoma State in college football. Only the Steeltown Stunners didn't get a six-figure check for rolling over and taking one up the ganges from The Man Whores, 123-65.

It was so bad, the Whores could have benched their starting quarterback and two starting running backs and still won by five.

Meanwhile, the Stunners had a running back, two wide receivers and a tight end combine for one point. The star of the show was CJ2-Points-Per-Game. It's pretty safe to say nobody will ever ask to have Chad kicked out of the league.

Journals Rally for Shootout Victory
Willis McGahee led seven players in double figures as the Wall Street Journals won a shootout over Vandelay Industries, 120-105.

Heading into Monday night, Vandelay held a 15-point lead. Then McGahee went off, overcoming not only the 15-point deficit, but also fellow Journal Peyton Manning's three interceptions to score th victory. The "kowski" brothers-from-different-mothers, Stephen and Rob, added 14 and 13 points, respectively.

The Industries put up a valiant effort, led by C.J. Spiller's 28-point eff-you to Bills coach Chan Gailey for leaving him on the bench so long behind Fred Jackson. However, it was not to be prompting Jim Cramer to put the latex company in his "Sell Block."

Nicks the Difference in Iguana Bowl
Griffining may be what all the kids are doing in the Iron City, but it was Hakeem Nicks that put the Iron City Iguanas on top of the their nickname counterpart (the much more eco-friendly Green Iguanas), 92-73 in week two.

Sure, Griffin scored 31 points but that's almost to be expected these days. Nicks' 25-point outburst was much more unexpected and helped overcome a lowly one-point effort from Julio Jones (the "J" is totally not silent after scoring one point).

The Green Iguanas undoing was poor efforts from Larry Fitzgerald and Jamaal Charles. Each was projected to score 11 points, but they combined for one. We understand about Charles. As for Fitzgerald, unfortunately, Yahoo doesn't grade on a curve if Kevin Kolb is your quarterback.

Widow Makers Beat Hair Dye
Someone had to win this game, and it turns out The Widow Makers have fewer sucky players than Nick Sabans Hair Dye, to the tune of an 81-64 victory.

The two teams combined for 11 players scoring seven points or less, and only two players went higher than 13. What a bad game that was.

Week One Notes

Dear Yahoo! Sports,
I don't know who the hell you think you are, but you are not the Commissioner of The OFFL. Neither are you a member. Where do you get off writing recaps? I see no quotes from a team owner about the game. I see now anecdotes mockingly comparing any teams to Jamaicazilian Flava.

Not the same.

We get it. You're trying to make sucky leagues better, leagues that don't have a waiting list. But that's not us. We're the Overrated Fantasy Football League and you better recognize. There are no "smooth moves." There is a "Lucky-Ass." There is no "regret tracker." There is a "Bonehead." Get your shit together, then come back at us with your lame-ass recap and notes. Clearly, you're note-bot was not drunk when he/she (robot boobs?) wrote this. Pay attention.

Yours in Beer,
The OFFL Commish

Monday Night Miracle Takes Down Whores
Despite being favored by eight while facing two-time champion The Man Whores, the One-Term Wonders looked overmatched all day Sunday. The Baltimore Defense changed all that on Monday as they overcame not only an 11-point defense, but also Torrey Smith to deliver an improbable 110-107 week one victory to the Wonders.

The Whores got huge performances from Matt Ryan (37 points), Arian Foster (19) and Lance Moore (who?) en route to a 101-90 lead after Sunday. To celebrate, owner Justin Limbaugh sipped on champagne and ate from his favorite Corvallis diner. Meanwhile, the Wonders were motivating Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and company by telling them they never shot anybody. Convictions, Schmonvictions. The Ravens Defense responded with 20 points on Monday night and an improbable Wonders victory.

The Whores may have two stars, but right now they have zero wins and one loss.

Vandelay Escapes With One-Point Win
Tony Romo scored 28 points as Vandelay Industries held off Brandon Weeden gift-wrapping 16 points to the Eagles Defense to score a 94-93 victory over The Widow Makers.

It was the fourth game in OFFL history decided by one point, the first to involve two teams scoring at least 90 points.

The contest could have turned into a one-point win for The Widow Makers had they started Chad Craig's Chinstrap instead of Ryan Williams. Or, if he had just broken his leg while stretching. In case you haven't done the math, Williams scored negative-2 points. Ironically, it's the same amount as Chad's chinstrap is worth in real life, however, two points fewer in fantasy.

Running Game, Defense Lifts Sports Team
Lee Corso put an oversized beer bottle on his head during OFFL GameDay as he chose the Trough Drinkers to beat Cityname Sports Team. The reigning Plastic Cup holders were not amused, letting their running backs and defense score 58 points in a 119-93 bitch-slapping of the Drinkers.

Neither Adrian Peterson nor Stevan Ridley was projected to do much. Apparently the bulletin board material made it to Minnesota and Foxborough as each went for 20 points. The Patriots defense chipped in 18 points while Nate Kaeding added 16 (one for each tear Justin Limbaugh shed during his loss) in the win.

The Drinkers had six players in double-figures. But they also had the Bills defense, which the Jets treated like Sully's girlfriends. They scored at will.

Young Guns Carry Iron City to Victory
The Iron City Iguanas have never gone to the playoffs. They've never even been any good. In fact, if their owner wasn't undershadowed by his own brother, you'd expect him to be the butt of weekly notes jokes. Instead, you just expect to collect your victory and move on.

Wes Welker Still Goes Home to This.

That is, until now. The Iguanas were the runaway choice in the OFFL preseason poll. And that was before Griffining became the new thing. Six of the Iguanas nine players underperformed according to Yahoo, and they still won, 103-92.

RGIII led the way with 28 while fellow dread-head Julio (the J is silent to Brian only) scored 22. The Wall Street Journals had no chance. Peyton Manning was a pleasant surprise with 24 points, but only five points out of the running game (thanks Willis and DeAngelo) didn't really help.

Rice, Cutler Deliver for Green Iguanas
Jay Cutler went for 22 points while Ray Rice added 20 as the Green Iguanas easily took down Nick Sabans Hair Dye.

Ironically for the Hair Dye, Wes Welker, who has admitted to getting hair plugs, decided not to help the cause with one point. Matthew Stafford and his douche bangs clearly don't care about the Hair Dye either, scoring only 11 points in week one. Hey, you've still got Rob Bironas.

Tecmo Bowls Beat Stunners
ZZZzzzzzz. 88-74. What Yahoo Said.

Iron City Iguanas Tabbed OFFL Preseason Favorite

In what can only be labeled as a shocker, the Iron City Iguanas have been selected by Overrated Fantasy Football League owners as the team most likely to bring home the OFFL Cup this year.

This couple is unlikely. Hal winning the OFFL is moreso.

The Iguanas, who have never made the playoffs in the league's three year history, were the runaway favorites. They garnered six first-place votes (out of 11 possible). No poll had the Iguanas lower than fourth, and nine had them picked first or second.

Hal Craig's team has compiled an 18-20-1 all-time record, making it's projection as the OFFL Champion about as likely as Carlos ever getting back in the league.

Defending champion The Man Whores were the second choice, earning three first-place votes. Like the Iguanas, the Man Whores were placed in the top two on nine of 11 ballots. It is not known if Whores owner Justin Limbaugh will have a new dance for the 2012 OFFL season, or if he will stick wtih the Monkey Dance. The Monkey Dance is sooo last year.

On the other end of the spectrum, the Tecmo Bowls were picked to finish last by a majority of owners. The Bowls, who finished last in the 2011 regular season, are the odds-on favorite to take home the Team Mom this year. That's what happens when you draft Ben Tate in the fifth round.

Full Poll Results

Rk	Team	Total	FPV
1	Iron City Iguanas	19	6
2	The Man Whores	23	2
3	Trough Drinkers	40	1
4	Green Iguanas	56	1
5	Wall Street Journals	63	1
6	One-Term Wonders	64	0
7	Steeltown Stunners	73	0
8	Vandelay Industries	76	1
9	The Widow Makers	77	0
10	Cityname Sports Team	93	0
11	Nick Saban's Hair Dye	95	0
12	Tecmo Bowls	109	0