RIVALRY WEEK: WHAT'S AT STAKE

Battle for the Bar Menu
When Vandelay Industries and Trough Drinkers meet this week, there is much more at stake than just a playoff berth. There's the Shamrock Bar Menu. The Drinkers have won the Bar Menu three straight years, and will have to again this year to make the playoffs.

The Industries can lose and still make the playoffs with some help. A loss coupled with either a loss by Iron City Iguanas or Wall Street Journals would still send Vandelay to the postseason.

Battle for the Skillet
You may wonder why Jacka and Parker are rivals, and battle for a skillet. So do we. But sometimes you have to force rivals, like the SEC did with Arkansas-LSU and the Golden Boot. There would be more disdain between the two had Parker not moved to North Carolina and continued to show up for Fantasy watching with us each Sunday.

In last year's inaugural matchup, Parker's Widow Makers beat Cityname Sports Team as Jacka went with the wishbone in the season's final week just because he could. This year, the two are fighting for a critical first-round bye in the playoffs.

Ginger Cup
If you want to call it the Salt-and-Ginger Cup, we won't fault you. This is basically the Egg Bowl of the OFFL. Nick Sabans Hair Dye and the Two-Term Blunders are both shitty teams going nowhere playing the final week of the year. Each is a prime candidate for the Team Mom Trophy. She's watching you.

The Hair Dye won the two initial meetings before the Blunders ended the streak a season ago. This year, it's all about pride.

The Big Brown CoC
Representatives of both the Iron City Iguanas and Steeltown Stunners will tell you that nothing matters more than the Cane of Champions (CoC). The Big Brown CoC is a cane with the logos of both the Pittsburgh Steelers and Pittsburgh Penguins on either side.

This one has been a back-and-forth affair. The Stunners won in 2009 and 2011 with the Iguanas taking the 2010 contest. With a win this year, Iron City would make the playoffs. Stunningly, Steeltown is in a battle for the No. 12 seed in the consolation playoffs.

Toyota Cup
You know what they say, When the Limbaugh's meet, you can throw the records out the window. This year, you probably should. They may as well call this the Iron Bowl. The Man Whores are 9-2-1 and in first place while the Green Iguanas are 4-7-1.

Neither team has anything to play for. The Whores have clinched the No. 1 seed in the playoffs, a spot nobody has ever won the OFFL Cup from. The Iguanas will finish in the bottom four and have a shot at the Team Mom.

21 1/3 Ounce Cup
The rivalry game is on an island between the Tecmo Bowls and Wall Street Journals. There is virtually no contact between these two and the rest of the league during the season. However, they probably talk to each other every week making fun of the Stunners (everyone does that).

The Wall Street Journals won last year's first meeting, meaning Parkay has still never won a cup of any amount of ounces. A win by the Journals this year could get them to the playoffs, with an Iron City Iguanas loss.

WEEK 11 NOTES

Playoff Watch
After 11 weeks, the playoff picture is pretty clear. If you have a winning record at this point, you are almost guaranteed to make the playoffs. In OFFL history, 15 of the 16 teams with a winning record at this point have done so. If you're worried about being the one team that didn't, don't. It was Brian's team.

If you have fewer than five wins at this point in the season, you are effectively eliminated if history is our guide. Those teams are 0-for-12 in making the postseason.

The interesting parts come from the 5-win teams. They are 3-of-8 all time. Exactly one 5-6 team has made the playoffs each year. Last year, it was The Man Whores, who went on to win the OFFL Championship.

Power Rankings
The Man Whores continue to dominate the power rankings with a 785 rating, which would be the best in league history if it keeps up.

Meanwhile, Nick Sabans Hair Dye is well below the Conte Line (350) at 306. They may well end up as the worst team in OFFL history in two weeks time.

The Belt
The Trough Drinkers took The Belt away from The Man Whores after three weeks, which included the second tie in belt history.

It is only the second time the Drinkers have held the belt, both of which have come at the expense of the Whores.

Trough Drinkers have lost their only belt defense, in 2009 to the One-Term Wonders.

Blunders Go Epic with Beatdown of Iguanas

Laurie Schaub Cheers for Matt, and the Blunders.

It was only a matter of time. Eventually, someone was going to lose by 100 points. It's finally happened. The Two-Term Blunders tied the league record for points with 150 in an epic 150-50 woodshedding of the Iron City Iguanas.

The Blunders rode the Matt Schaub to Andre Johnson combo to the record. The duo put up NFL record numbers and combined for 78 fantasy points

You have to think the Iguanas have some remorse with their lineup. Only Aaron Rodgers scored better than eight points. The key however is that the Bears Defense scored negative-one. Had they just broke even, Iron City would not be subjected to being the first team to lose by ONE HUNDRED POINTS!!!

Hair Dye Beat Stunners in Worst Game Ever
Nick Sabans Hair Dye celebrated a victory this week after taking down the Steeltown Stunners 64-52.

That's right, 64-52. Of 18 players between two teams, only three had more than eight points. Half scored five points or less.

For the Team Whitey, the leading scorer was the Jets Defense. Second, you ask? Dan Bailey, the Cowboys kicker.

It was the fourth fewest points scored in a win in OFFL history.

Drinkers Exact Revenge for Loss in 2011 Final
In a rematch of the last season's OFFL Cup Final, the Trough Drinkers exacted a measure of revenge with a 100-83 victory over The Man Whores.

Playing his first game after being traded by the Iron City Iguanas, Robert Griffin III exploded for 40 points. He was flanked by Mikel Leshoure and Trent Richardson who had 14 and 13, respectively.

The Whores should have been able to win, but Matt Ryan threw the game away. He was picked five times and finished with negative-three points in the contest.

Green Iguanas Upset Vandelay Industries
The Green Iguanas got 22 points from the Packers Defense and escaped with a 90-83 upset over Vandelay Industries.

Carson Palmer, of sucking in the NFL fame, chipped in 18 points. Without doing any research, we're pretty sure it's the most points ever scored by a Raider.

The Industries were screwed the minute they started Danny Woodhead. Doesn't their owner know white guys only score points for Team Whitey (Mullen)?

Tecmo Bowls Embarrass Nintendo in Loss

Belicheck's girlfriend could be a Tecmo Bowl Cheerleader.

Tom Brady channelled his best Warren Moon, but nobody stepped up to be Video Bo or Lawrence Taylor as the Tecmo Bowls were demolished 113-70 by The Widow Makers.

Not even the famous Tecmo Bowl Cheerleaders could excite the players. Six of nine players scored six points or less and only one had more than 10.

Meanwhile, the Widow Makers got an all-around effort. Drew Brees had 26, the Law Firm had 16, Randall Cobb and Vernon Davis each had 14. Even the kicker and defense combined for 27.

Wall Street Beats Cityname
Peyton Manning and Rob Gronkowski scored 25 points each in a 99-52 rout of Cityname Sports Team.

The only interesting thing about this game was Sports Team playing one player on a Bye and another who was ruled out due to injury. Justin Edwards would be proud.

WEEK NINE NOTES

Journals Eke Out Tie to Remain in Top Six
At the end of Monday night, the Green Iguanas thought they had worked their way into playoff contention with a one-point victory against the Wall Street Journals.

And then the dreaded "stat correction" struck, awarding the Houston DEF with an additional sack and lifting the Journals into a 92-92 tie.

The Iguanas never should have had to worry, but decided letting it ride with Philip Rivers wet noodle was better than Carson Palmer and his 33 points. Oops. On the other side, two of the Journals three QBs (why do you have three QBs????) were better than Rivers.

The plague of Jamaal Charles also cost the Iguanas, scoring just five points. I mean, you want to sit him, you really do. But then you have to play Daniel Thomas, who shouldn't even be on an XFL roster.

Vandelay Makes it Two in a Row
Six players had double-figures in points for Vandelay Industries, who won with 100 points for the second week in a row.

The win pushed them above .500, which is the first time Tony Romo can claim that achievement in quite some time.

The Hair Dye were abysmal with six of nine positions scoring seven or fewer points. Mark Ingram continues to impress, chipping in six points.

Had it not been for Eric Decker's improbably 21 points and the luck of the Chargers DEF getting 27 against the Chiefs, it would have been significantly worse than 100-91 for Team Whitey.

Muscle Hampster Carries Whores

Doug Martin gave Killian lots to cheer about.

The Weekly woodshed beating came at the top of the standings as The Man Whores put a strangle-hold on first place with a 130-75 victory over the Tecmo Bowls.

The game got completely out of hand as soon the Muscle Hampster, Doug Martin, took the field. He ran for 240 yards and four touchdowns and nearly beat the Bowls by himself. Actually, the Whores three backs that started would've won the game 88-75.

Not even The Fast One could overcome the logical decision to start add Blaine Gabbert to the roster for Tom Brady's bye week.

Stunners Continue Stunning Run
The Steeltown Stunners magical run continues as they take down Cityname Sports Team 100-78 for a third-straight win.

Despite the streak, the Stunners are still unlikely to make the playoffs. They are however distancing themselves from the Team Mom like a petulant teenager.

Purple Jesus showed up with 31 points for Sports Team, but nobody else did. It was kind of like church.

The Widow Makers Get Crucial Victory
In a critical match-up between 4-4 teams, the Widow Makers got 60 points from three wide receivers and took down the Iron City Iguanas, 111-85.

It was a flip of the script as Yahoo's typically accurate projections predicted Iron City to win 111-89.

But Brandon Marshall led the way with 30 poiints while Reggie Wayne and Randall Cobb had 13 and 17, respectively.

The Bears DEF incredible season marched on with a 29-point performance for the Iguanas. But three players with two points or less, including Can't-RunDMC with one.

Drinkers Rebound Behind Big Performances
Aaron Rodgers scored 32 points to lead the Trough Drinkers to a 101-85 victory over the One-Term Wonders.

The most notable part of this game was how the teams changed after the game. Rodgers was playing his final game as a Drinker, having been traded immediately afterwards.

On the other side, the Wonders were playing their last game as the One-Term Wonders. After honoring George H.W. Bush for the previous three seasons, they have now taken up the mantle of honoring his son, George W. Bush by changing their name to the Two-Term Blunders. Where's the love for Jeb?

WEEK EIGHT NOTES

Playoff Watch

Never before in OFFL history have we had a 7-1 team, much less two. However, 10 of 12 teams in league history to reach seven wins have made the playoffs, so you have to think The Man Whores and the Tecmo Bowls are already in. With one more win, they can pretty much clinch as all eight teams in league history to win at least eight games have made the playoffs.

Cityname Sports Team is also sitting pretty at 6-2. Four of the five teams that have opened with that record have made the playoffs. Only last year's Green Iguanas didn't as they dropped four of their final five games and lost out in the 7-6 tiebreakers.

With three teams likely already in the tournament, that leaves three more spots. There are currently four 4-4 teams, and history tells us they are a coin flip for the playoffs. At 3-5, the Trough Drinkers and Nick Sabans Hair Dye also have a shot as two of seven teams to ever have that record made the playoffs, with both happening last season. 

If you're 2-6 or worse, prepare to own the Team Mom.

Power Rankings

Rk Team

1 The Man Whores (2) 766

2 Trough Drinkers (2) 623

3 Wall Street Journals 610

4 Iron City Iguanas (1) 591

5 Cityname Sports Team (1) 578

6 Tecmo Bowls 519

7 Vandelay Industries 500

8 The Widow Makers (1) 468

9 One-Term Wonders 448

10 Green Iguanas 403

11 Steeltown Stunners 247

11 Nick Sabans Hair Dye 247

OFFL Championship Belt

First-place The Man Whores added The Belt to their trophy collection by knocking off the Wall Street Journals, 126-99. 

It is the first time since the beginning of the 2011 season the Whores have owned the Belt and the third time overall. They still hold the record for most title defenses with five in the 2009 campaign.

The last time they lost The Belt, it was to the Tecmo Bowls, who they also face this week.

Stunners Make It Two in a Row

It was a week of horrendous scores, and nothing epitomized it more than the Steeltown Stunners 70-61 win over The Widow Makers. It was the second straight win for the Stunners after an historical 0-6 start.

How bad was this matchup? Sebastian Janikowski was the leading scorer for the winning team with 14 points. Mike Williams was second with 12. Who is Mike Williams and what team does he play for?

For the Makers, Drew Brees tallied 17 points, but their starting running backs were Vick Ballard and Alex Green. Who? Exactly. Minnesota's defense didn't help with their negative-five points. I could've scored negative-five, but I'd still have to bum rides.

Tecmo Bowls Move to 7-1

Luck of the Irish

The Tecmo Bowls rode Tom Brady and his 36 points to a 75-67 victory over the Green Iguanas to move to 7-1 on the year.

There is likely no 7-1 team in the fantasy universe that is as bad as the Tecmo Bowls. Besides Brady and Steve Smith (The Fast One), nobody on their team managed to muster more than six points. It was the third time in four weeks they won despite scoring 80 points or fewer. They may as well change their name to "The Horseshoe Up Brian Kelly's Ass."

Here in The Notes, we rip on Chad quite a bit. However, Green Iguanas owner Brian Limbaugh deserves some recognition as well. He's never made the playoffs and is now 2-6 after posting 67 points this week. We salute you, Mr. Suck-At-Fantasy-Football. You are a Real Man of Genius.

Kicker Carries Cityname to Victory

Lawrence Tynes scored 17 points and Cityname Sports Team held off Iron City Iguanas 90-87.

That's right, a kicker made the difference. Tynes outscored Robbie Gould by 12 points in a three-point win. You can imagine the frustration of the Iguanas. Well, maybe not. If you've made the playoffs before, you actually can not imagine their frustration.

Tynes was one of five players to hit double-digits for Cityname, who overcame a donut from Greg Jennings to get the win. LeSean McCoy and Julio (the J is only silent to Bama fans) Jones each went for 18 points, but it wasn't enough.

The Man Whores Explode on Wall Street Journals 

Doug Martin came out of nowhere to put up 32 points and lead The Man Whores to a 126-99 victory over Wall Street Journals.

Martin wasn't alone in putting up huge numbers for the Whores. Matt Ryan laid down for 29 while Marshawn Lynch and Jason Witten each had 16. 

The Journals didn't go away quietly. Peyton Manning returned to form with 30 points and Gronk added 26. However, it wasn't enough.

Vandelay Takes Down Lifeless One-Term Wonders

The One-Term Wonders continued their downward spiral with a 100-58 loss to Vandelay Industries.

The best player in the game was the Giants Defense, which had 22 points. That should tell you enough about this game. Four more players hit double figures for Vandelay in the rout.

Meanwhile, outside of Matt Forte and Darren Sproles, the Wonders were miserable. Five players scored four points or fewer, including Eli Manning. Somewhere, Dave Neal is sobbing.

Nick Sabans Hair Dye Beat Up Trough Drinkers

After winning three straight to get back to .500 at 3-3, the Trough Drinkers have gone epic bad. In the past two weeks, they have lost to the two worst teams in the league, including a 106-63 woodshed beating this week to Nick Sabans Hair Dye.

The Hair Dye are tied with Steeltown Stunners in the power rankings for the bottom spot in the OFFL. The Drinkers have lost back-to-back games against them. Besides Aaron Rodgers and Percy Harvin, everyone on the Drinkers scored six points or fewer. 

Matt Stafford finally lived up to his first-round draft status by throwing for 36 points for the Hair Dye. He was bolstered by Eric Deccker and Miles Austin, who scored 16 and 13, respectively.

WEEK SEVEN NOTES

Drinkers Stunned as Steeltown Gets First Win

Steeltown Stunner

The Steeltown Stunners ran wild en route to an 87-85 victory over the now-maligned Trough Drinkers for their first win of the season.

After suffering through six weeks of Chris Johnson playing like Auburn's offense, he finally paid off with a 31-point breakout performance. Frank Gore added 18 as the Stunners outscored the Drinkers 49-13 at running back.

Aaron Rodgers 31-point effort on Sunday night was too little, too late, and even allowed Steeltown to bench it's defense to prevent a negative outing.

You read that right, the Steeltown Stunners benched a player on purpose and still beat a team. Drinkers = Shame.

Man Whores Hold Off Sports Team
The Man Whores got a balanced effort to hold off Cityname Sports Team and take over first place.

Six positions scored in double digits, led by Arian Foster's 21 and Victor Cruz's 19. Cityname kept pace with six double-figure scorers as well, but having Kendall Wright on thier roster was their undoing as he posted one measly point.

Widow Makers Bomb Green Iguanas
In a case of Daddy doesn't know best, the league's newest father was shamed in front of his daughter in a 130-60 beatdown at the hands of the Widow Makers.

Drew Brees went off for 36 points while Randall Cobb and the Minnesota Defense scored 21 and 20 respectively to lead the Makers.

When Ray Rice and Larry Fitzgerald combine for seven points, you know you're in trouble. Not even John Skelton could save the Iguanas, shockingly.

Iron City Overcomes Byes to Beat Vandelay
Having your best RB, WR and TE on a bye is usually a recipe for a loss, unless of course you're facing Vandelay Industries.

The Iron City Iguanas missed LeSean McCoy, Julio Jones and Antonio Gates, but escaped with a 77-54 win because the Industries couldn't sell latex to a high school boy.

Four players failed to score more than three points and only the Giants Defense outscored its projection, 11-10, for Vandelay.

After the game, team spokesman George Constanza could be heard shouting, "Serenity Now!"

Wall Street Journals Take Out Hair Dye
Vincent Jackson, who is apparently still in the NFL, exploded for 27 points to carry the Wall Street Journals to a 101-79 victory over Nick Saban's Hair Dye.

Houston's Defense added 22 points and the Gronk managed to stop banging porn stars for long enough to chip in 19 points.

The Hair Dye were a picture of mediocrity with everyone on their team scoring between five and 15 points, except for Kyle Rudolph's bagel.

Tecmo Bowls Beat Wonders
The Tecmo Bowls scored 80 points or less for the third straight week, and won for the second time in that span, beating The One-Term Wonders 75-73.

The Wonders haven't broken 65 in consecutive weeks.

WEEK SIX NOTES

Playoff Watch
Three teams are sitting very pretty right now at 5-1. History tells us that you have a 100 percent chance of making the playoffs if you start 4-2 or better AND your team nickname is not Iguanas. That bodes well for defending champion The Man Whores, Cityname Sports Team and Tecmo Bowls.

There's a glut of teams at 3-3, five in all. As of now, it appears they are fighing for three playoff spots. The Widow Makers are in the worst shape as their point total is below that of two 2-4 teams.

There's no data on the subject opf 0-6 teams, but we're pretty sure the Steeltown Stunners will not make the playoffs. The question now is what team they may upset in the consolation playoffs to avoid the Team Mom.

Power Rankings
Buoyed by it's second straight week with 125+ points, the Trough Drinkers made a move to No. 2 in the Power Rankings, despite a 3-3 record.

The Man Whores remained on top, but surprisingly, 5-1 teams Tecmo Bowls and Cityname Sports Team are ranked sixth and seventh, respectively.

In a race eveyone is watching, Nick Sabans Hair Dye climbed out of the cellar, relegating the Steeltown Stunners to the bottom spot. Both teams are well below the Conte Line (350).

The Belt
Nick Sabans Hair Dye took down Tecmo Bowls to win "The Belt." It is the second time NSHD has ever won the belt, doing so last year in week 11.

Atlanta's Defense was Inspired

They lost their only title defense to Cityname Sports Team in week 10 last year. Wall Street Journals, you're on deck.

Trough Drinkers Remain Hot With Third Straight Win
The Trough Drinkers set a league record for points in consecutive weeks with 276 as they took down the Iron City Iguanas, 129-119.

Aaron Rodgers was the difference, putting up the second most points in league history with 50. Ahmad Bradshaw managed 17 points against the 49ers Defense and Atlanta chipped in 30 points via its kicker and defense.

The Iguanas seemed to be in control after Robert Griffin III gallopped for a 76-yard touchdown run late Sunday afternoon en route to his 35 points. However, Rodgers epic performance flipped the script.

In a last-ditch effort, Antonio Gates hopped in the Delorean and went back to 2008 to score 20 points. However, it wasn't enough. It was the second most points ever scored in an OFFL loss.

Wall Street Lobbys Its Way to Victory
Facing the One-Term Wonders, it was clear the only way the Wall Street Journals would get a victory was through lobbying and their SuperPAC. Luckily for Travis, the dollars have been flowing.

Wall Street eviscerated the One-Term Wonders, 103-59. Peyton Manning had 27 points and three receivers combined for 46 points in the win. The Journals did it despite starting Willis McGahee and Lamar Miller at running back. Lamar Miller. Not even Chad would do that.

The Wonders were plain atrocious. James Starks and William Powell at running back? Hell, I think Doak Walker and Jim Brown scored two points each this week just out of respect.

Stunners Drop Sixth Straight to Open Season
The Steeltown Stunners set a new OFFL record for futility to open a season by falling to 0-6 with a 118-83 loss to Vandelay Industries.

For the Industries, everyone was scoring. Five players reached double digits and seven had eight points or more. It's a good thing they're in latex, otherwise all that scoring might have gotten someone pregnant. Slipping one past the goalie is never a good idea.

We won't bother with a breakdown of the Stunners. You get it.

Hair Dye End Tecmo Bowls Unbeaten Run
The Tecmo Bowls saw their undefeated streak come to an end with a 101-75 loss to Nick Sabans Hair Dye.

Having made the playoffs every year of the OFFL, NSHD was in a must-win situation to keep that streak alive. And their team came through. Known for drafting rookies, Kyle Rudolph paid off last week with 13 points. Team Whitey also got 21 from Matt Stafford, 19 from Wes Welker and 15 from Eric Decker. White is the new black.

Meanwhile, the Tecmo Bowls were a major disappointment. Tom Brady scored 21 points and Jason Hanson kicked in 14. The rest of the team took a big, steaming dump on the point total. Part of this falls on the owner. Who is Jeremy Kerley and why is he starting? You should never start a player who, when you google him, you get this result.

Vick and Macklin Lead Cityname Sports Team to Victory
Michael Visk and connected with Jeremy Maclin for a combined 42 points as Cityname Sports Team scored a 91-74 win over the Green Iguanas.

Cityname got an unexpected 14 points from their kicker, Lawrence Tynes, while AP and Alfred Morris added 12 and 14 points, respectively.

The team balance was too much for the Green Iguanas to overcome. Ray Rice and Larry Fitzgerald tried, scoring 37 points combined. Unfortunately, like real life, they are one-man shows.

Philip Rivers decided to have his "I hate my fantasy owners" game with five turnovers. Of course, then he just went to the beach. I hate rich people in San Diego. Mostly because instead of sitting on 280, they sit on the beach. Bitches.

Man Whores Beat Widow Makers
If you want a recap of a 74-51 victory, you're  barking up the wrong tree. Everyone sucked.

WEEK FIVE NOTES

Playoff Watch
Who would have thunk it? The Parker Sizemore-owned Tecmo Bowls are the first team in league history to start 5-0. Every team with at least eight wins has made the playoffs. And only two of 12 to go 7-6 have failed to make the playoffs. So you have to like the Bowls chances, even if Parkay is in charge.

In the second tier at 4-1, The Man Whores and Cityname Sports Team hope to avoid the fate of both 4-1 teams from a year ago. At this point in 2011, the two Iguana franchises sported a 4-1 record. Remember the two 7-6 teams to not make the playoffs, there ya go.

The Steeltown Stunners join the 2010 Green Iguanas as the only teams in league history to start 0-5. Another loss would set an OFFL record. Put the champagne on ice.

At 1-4, Nick Sabans Hair Dye has a sliver of a chance. Last year, NSHD-rival the One-Term Wonders rebounded from a 1-4 start to make the playoffs. They're the only such team out of four in league annals to start with such a record.

For the rest of you middling teams. It's a historical coin flip when you're 3-2 or 2-3. However, if you can get to 4-2, you have an 86% percent chance. But, if you fall to 2-4, you're goose is cooked. Mmmmm, goose. Tastes like Iguana.

Power Rankings
The top two are no surprise as they match the top two in the standings, only flip-flopped (this note sponsored by John Kerry [you're welcome Zac]). The Man Whores are on pace for an all-timer of a season with a rating of 845. The league record is 741.

After the Tecmo Bowls in second, the remainder of the rankings are a flip-flop of the standings. The teams currently in ranked 7-9 in the standings are 3-5 in the power rankings. That's the Wall Street Journals, One-Term Wonders and Green Iguanas.

Meanwhile, the teams ranked 3-5 in the standings are 8-10 in the power rankings. That's Cityname Sports Team, The Widow Makers and Iron City Iguanas.

Despite it's 0-5 record, the Steeltown Stunners are looking down on Nick Sabans Hair Dye, and you know they're loving it. Both teams are on epically bad paces, but the Hair Dye's level is astonishing. If they had played every team (11 games), in all five weeks of the season, they would have a 5-46-4 record. That's five wins. It's a minor miracle one of those happened to be scheduled so they are actually 1-4 in the OFFL standings.

It begs the question: What has happened to management of Nick Sabans Hair Dye? This is a franchise with three playoff appearances. Have they been sniffing too much ginger? Is it the lack of trash talk from ownership? Nobody knows, but something is a-rye.

The Belt
This is where you go, "nobody cares about the fucking belt." Well I do, so suck it up for a paragraph or two. Besides that, I'm working up my drunkenness. I can't just dive into recaps sober.

The Tecmo Bowls held onto the belt by taking down Vandelay Industries. They have now successfully defended the Belt twice. If they win this week, they will join 2009 The Man Whores as the only teams to do so three times.

The Bowls are just the sixth team in league history to successfully defend the title twice, the last being Cityname Sports Team in 2011 from weeks 11-12. Surprisingly, the other teams to do so were Jamaicazilian Flava, the Wall Street Journals, The Widow Makers. Yes, that Jamaicazilian Flava.

Trough Drinkers Tie League Record in Win
This was just unfair. Everyone came to play for the Trough Drinkers in a 147-59 victory. The beatdown tied for the largest in league history at 88-points.

Aaron Rodgers, Percy Harvin and Ahmad Bradshaw all scored 22 or better. Trent Richardson and the ageless one (Tony Gonzalez), chipped in 18 a piece. Everyone else was solid. Dwayne Bowe was the slacker with a measly six points.

More importantly, how did Harvin not get distracted by this level of stupid?

Meanwhile, the Wall Street Journals had five players score fewer than Bowe's total. Peyton Manning put up a fight with 28 points, but like in real life, the rest of his team sucked.

The Journals have been a bit unlucky as all three of their losses have come when the opponent scored the most points in the league that week. It's the curse of the TEAM MOM!

Widow Makers Turn Back the Clock for Victory
It felt like 2007 the way The Widow Makers were putting up points in a 129-82 victory over the One-Term Wonders.

Drew Brees hit the moon with 35 points. But the surprise came from Reggie Wayne and Brandon Marshall who wnet 2007 and cranked that Soulja Boy to the tune of 27 and 20 points, respectively.

You can't overlook double-digit point totals from the Purple People Eaters, Donald Brown and Vernon Davis.

Outside of Eli Manning and Ray Lewis -- err, the Ravens Defense -- the Wonders didn't put up too much of a fight.

We in the OFFL offices think we know why. Most of the Wonders players played their games this week in the blue-leaning locations of New York (QB, WR, TE), Washington, D.C. (WR) and California (RB). Only the defense played in a red-leaning state as the Ravens played at Kansas City. Ha, the defense. We won't bother with swing states or hanging chads (why is that not Chad's team name?). Clearly the NFL and electoral college have a liberal bias.

Lauren Tannehill

Whores Run Win Streak to Four
The Man Whores got five huge performances while the Iron City Iguanas got six Craig-like performances in a easy 115-74 victory.

Victor Cruz led the way with 23 points, Arian Foster scored 22 while Matt Ryan and Devery Henderson tallied 19 and 18, respectively. Wait. Who the hell is Devery Henderson? He's this guy.

Oh, Iron City. What goes through your mind when you set your lineup? "I'm gonna win this week! Jackie Battle will get me at least 10 points!" Does that happen?

The Iguanas had five players score three or fewer points, and another with just five points. That's a Craig-like performance. Maybe Ryan Tannehill would have helped. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE PICK UP RYAN TANNEHILL?!?!?!?!

Tecmo Bowls Go to 5-0
Despite an uninspiring performance, the Tecmo Bowls became the first team in league history to start 5-0 with an 80-76 victory.

Vandelay Industries got horrible performances from Brandon Lloyd, MJD and Jimmy Graham, as they combined for eight points. Oh yeah, Matt Hasselback was the quarterback.

The Bowls weren't much better. But Tom Brady scored 20 while Michael Turner, Reggie Bush and Blair Walsh (I think she was on 90210), each added 12.

Stunners Go Down Again
A week after their best performance of the season, the Steeltown Stunners remained winless with a 125-71 loss to the Green Iguanas.

The Iguanas were fortunate enough to get 31 points from Marques Colston, 20 from Philip Rivers and 16 from Jamaal Charles.

The Stunners got a max of 16 from two players, but also continued to suffer from starting CJ2K, and took a -1 from him. Apparently "2K" translates to "fuck your frantasy team" in OFFL language.

Cam Newton's not helping.

Cityname Sports Team Wins
It was 82-67. Nobody was good, except for Stevan Ridley, sort of. Many players were bad.

WEEK FOUR NOTES

Playoff Watch
After four weeks, we're getting a pretty good idea of what teams will likely make the playoffs, and which teams might start tanking for a high draft pick. The Tecmo Bowls are sitting pretty at 4-0. As long as they don't trade Ray Rice for an injured Darren McFadden, they should avoid the fate bestowed upon the Iron City Iguanas last year.

Three teams at 3-1 should all feel good. In OFFL history, seven teams have had three wins after four weeks. One non-playoff team was owned by Carlos, so that doesn't really count. Five of the remaining six have made the playoffs.

On the other end, the Steeltown Stunners might as well pack it in. No 0-4 team has ever made the playoffs. The one-win teams have slightly more to be excited about. Each of the past three years, one 1-3 team has reached the playoffs. Of the current 1-3 teams, the Trough Drinkers are the only one to turn the trick.

The 2-2 teams are pretty much a coin flip right now, as eight of 14 teams have made the playoffs.

Power Rankings
The Power Rankings are back and the Man Whores are the runaway leaders. The 4-0 Tecmo Bowls are mired in fourth, suggesting their wins are more the result of a lackluster schedule so far.

On the back end, Nick Saban's Hair Dye and the Steeltown Stunners have been historically bad. It's still early, so we'll try not to pile on. But the Hair Dye's season high is 86 points, which is lower than four teams lowest point total, including the 1-3 Trough Drinkers.

The rankings are based on what each team's record would have been had it played every team in the league every week. In each of the previous three seasons, five of the top six teams (and strangely the No. 8 team) have made the playoffs. Without further ado, your Week Eight Power Rankings:

Rk Team
1 The Man Whores (2) 875
2 Wall Street Journals 705
3 Iron City Iguanas (1) 648
4 Tecmo Bowls 636
5 Vandelay Industries 580
6 One-Term Wonders 568
7 Cityname Sports Team (1)523
8 Trough Drinkers 455
9 Green Iguanas 420
10 The Widow Makers 341
11 Nick Sabans Hair Dye 136
12 Steeltown Stunners 114

OFFL Championship Belt
If the OFFL was like boxing, and had a championship belt (don't discount this actually happening), you'd have to beat the champ to be the champ.

The Tecmo Bowls defended "The Belt" in their first chance by taking down the Iron City Iguanas. They won The Belt the week before by winning a battle of 3-0 teams over the Wall Street Journals. This week, Vandelay Industries gets it's chance to reclaim The Belt for the first time since the opening week of the season.

Dating back to the inaugural week, the Bean Counters won the Battle Royal for the belt with a league high 135 points. Since then, team's have beaten each other back and forth more times than the Macho Man dropped an elbow from the top rope.

Tecmo Bowls Win Battle of Undefeateds

Tony can throw as many picks as he wants.

For the fourth straight week, the Tecmo Bowls overachieved, and for the fourth straight week they won. Team smoke and mirrors took down then-undefeated Iron City Iguanas, 106-81, to remain the final unbeaten team in the OFFL this season.

If the Bowls win next week, we're officially changing their name to the VooDoo. This week, they started Steve Smith (The Fast One), Anquan Boldin, Michael Turner, Ben Tate, Dennis Pitta and Danny Amendola. Basically, they could have drafted Tom Brady, then taken the next six rounds off.

The Iron City Iguanas were flat awful, six positions scored five points or less. They completely wasted Tony Romo's five-interception effort that led to 26 points for the Bears Defense. The last time Romo spluged that much, Jessica Simpson was hot.

The Man Whores Nearly Set League Record in Victory
It started on Thursday night when Torrey Smith provided an emotional 15 points. It ended with an epic 149-75 blowout victory for The Man Whores over Nick Sabans Hair Dye.

The Whores scored at will, mimicking Saban at a AOPi Social. Smith was one of seven players to score 14 points or more for the Whores, including 29 by Matt Ryan and 31 by the 49ers Defense.

The Hair Dye, which rode team Whitey to victory last week, was victimized this week by the fact that most of its team was white. It's not a recipe for victory.

Wonders Ride Prime Time Performances to Victory
It was early Sunday evening and the Green Iguanas were toasting a likely victory. Little did they know a 75-61 lead would turn into a 115-105 loss to the One-Term Wonders.

It was a phenomenal matchup as 12 players hit double figures, and both teams easily exceeded their projections. Roddy White's 28-point performance was the difference for a team that scored 115 points despite being projected to score 81.

That brings up another point. Who the hell does Yahoo's projections. And how on earth does that guy still have a job? I mean, if someone was that bad at fantasy football, we'd kick them out of the OFFL. Unless their name was Chad.

Journals Drop Stunners to 0-4
It was the best effort of the year for the Steeltown Stunners, but they were overshadowed by a Wall Street Journals outing that would make Randolph Duke proud. The Journals scored a 136-95 win that left the Stunners winless.

Usually a staple of the Stunners (because they draft the Steelers in the fourth round every year), they were outscored 25-1 on defense. However, they still would have needed 20 more points to win this week. It's an extremely non descript performance by the Stunners (five players scored six points or less).

Meanwhile, the Journals went for double figures from seven positions, including 31 from Peyton Manning and 25 from the Texans defense. When Calvin Johnson is your worst player, you're probably going to win. It's like being the ugliest Backstreet Boy at a bar.

Cityname RBs Make Difference in Victory over Industries
Stevan Ridley, Alfred Morris and Adrian Peterson combined for 51 points as Cityname Sports Team coasted to a 98-75 victory over Vandelay Industries.

Maurice Jones-Drew and Ryan Mathews continue to be an enigma for the Industries and starting Carson Pamer at quarterback never helps.

Trough Drinkers Finally Win, Beat Widow Makers
In an abysmal matchup, the Trough Drinkers scored their first win of the year, 96-76, over The Widow Makers. The quarterbacks dueled to a near draw, leaving Trent Richardson to make the difference.

Aaron Rodgers 34 points was cancelled out by Drew Brees 35. Brandon Marshall's 19 was almost matched by Dwayne Bowe's 16. Outside of that, only two players scored more than six points, and they both belonged to the Drinkers.

Here is where we would normally write more about the game, but the Commish is hammered and this game matchup sucked. Good night.

WEEK THREE NOTES

Hair Dye Paste Wonders

Eric Decker's fiancee is a 13.

Six players scored in double-figures to lead a balanced Nick Sabans Hair Dye squad to an 86-82 victory over the One-Term Wonders.

Team Whitey was the real hero in the win. Wes Welker and Rob Bironas had 14 points each to go with Matt Stafford's 20. If you count half of Miles Austin's 10 and half of Eric Decker's 13 too, you have a pretty good day for the 60s southerners.

In fact, Whitey would have beaten Cityname Sports Team by 28½ (yeah, yeah, they would have beaten the Steeltown Stunners by 29½, but we're trying not to make fun of Chad this week).

When asked why he didn't start Matt Schaub and his 32 points, Wonders coach Greg Schreiber just stared into space before sobbing uncontollably and wetting his pants. His mom could not be reached for comment.

Green Iguanas Go Down to Whores
In a contest highlighted by monster performances, it was a bagel by Philip Rivers that ultimately cost the Green Iguanas in a 96-92 loss to defending champion The Man Whores.

Both teams got big performances from their running backs and receivers, but the difference came at the quarterback position as Matt Ryan put up 26 points to Rivers zero.

It was a waste for the Iguanas, who had a huge performance out of backup Andre Brown with 24 points on top of Ray Rice's typical 20-point outing.

For the Whores, Torrey Smith honored his brother with 24 points. However, victory was not certain until Marshawn Lynch ran for 13 points and Mason Crosby kicked in nine on Monday night.

Brotherly Love?
In what can only be described as a beatdown of brotherly proportions, the Iron City Iguanas decimated the Steeltown Stunners, 115-41.

More importantly than the victory, Iguanas owner Hal Craig gained a measure of revenge against his brother Chad, who is clearly the real father of Hal's second daughter, Harper.

Rumors have been swirling for months, but we now know a paternity test is pointless. The ruthlessness of this victory all but proves the Iguanas have had this game circled on their calender since Dec. 14.

Tecmo Bowls Stay Undefeated
In true non-video game vashion, the Tecmo Bowls rode their defense and kicker to a third straigt victory, beating the Wall Street Journals 111-96.

The Cardinals defense led the way with 26 points and Jason Hanson added 16 to pace the Bowls. We're not sure Tecmo Bowl even recognizes a tight end, but some guy named Dennis Pitta scored 11 points.

Not even 25 points from Peyton Manning and 22 from Megatron cound save the day for the Journals. Three positions scored three points or less for them. That included Rob Gronkowski, who scored all his points on porn stars instead of for the Journals.

Vandelay Wraps Up Drinkers
AJ, CJ and MJD hooked up for 60 total points and Aaron Rodgers disappointed once again as 2010 champ Vandelay Industries moved to 2-1 with a 103-85 victory over the Trough Drinkers.

The hapless Drinkers start 0-3 for the second time in three seasons. The 2010 version remains the lone OFFL team to make the playoffs after such an awful start.

The Industries entered Monday night with a tenuous 27-point lead with Drinkers QB Aaron Rodgers left to play. That was when Rodgers still had the ability to score 27 points in a single game, as opposed to over a three-week span.

The only think that kept it close was Mikel LeShoure's 19 points. Lucky for the Drinkers, the OFFL began allowing gay Frenchmen in the league when it admitted Parkay as an owner.

Widow Makers Win
Drew Brees scored 24 while Vernon Davis and Antonio Brown each added 11. That's 46 points. They may as well have stopped there.

Five players scored exactly three points for Cityname Sports Team in an embarrassing 86-42 loss. It was the fifth fewest points scored in league history.

Somehow both of these teams are 2-1.

WEEK TWO NOTES

Playoff Watch
For the third time in four years of the OFFL, three or fewer teams are 2-0 after two weeks. Parity reigns, although there is still a Cleveland Browns clone in the OFFL. Not surprisingly, it's the Steeltown Stunners, who are 0-2 for the third time in four years.

Teams that have started 2-0 have made the playoffs 66.7% of the time. Those starting 0-2 have a 22.2% chance of making the playoffs. The Trough Drinkers in 2010 and One-Term Wonders in 2011 are giving you losers hope.

If you're 1-1 and thinking it's not a must-win this week, you're right. Sort of. Eleven of 13 teams with a 2-1 record have made the playoffs while just four of 15 having started 1-2 have. You don't have to win, but you should.

The Belt
If the OFFL was run by boxing promoters and four different championship organizations, we would have a belt (or four). To win it, you would have to beat the team that owned the belt (just like in boxing). With their 120-105 victory over Vandelay Industries, the Wall Street Journals claimed "The Belt" for the fourth time in their history last week.

Two of the previous three times, they have lost immediately after winning the belt. That puts you on deck Tecmo Bowls.

The Belt was awarded to the Bean Counters in Week One of 2009 after they scored the most points. Since then, whoever has defeated the belt holder in the regular season has taken over its honor.

Reggie Bush's Inspiration

Drinkers Wake Up In Familiar Place
For the second straight week, the Trough Drinkers posted a respectable score in the 90s. For the second straight week, they got Iced. This time it was the Tecmo Bowls scoring the victory, 100-92.

The Tecmo Bowls victory was rather miraculous as Reggie Bush and Danny Amendola combined for 50 points. Danny Freakin Amendola. If that wasn't enough, Jason Hanson kicked in 13 points to help the Bowls to a 2-0 start. In related news, you can now ice skate in hell. At least Tonya Harding will be happy.

The Drinkers should have known they were in trouble when first-round pick, Aaron Rodgers scored just 11 points, fewer than the Packers kicker. Unfortunately, State Farm's discount double-check doesn't offer insurance for shitty play.

Sports Team Holds Off Wonders for 2-0 Start
Roddy White made a valiant effort, scoring 16 points on Monday Night Football, but it wasn't enough for the One-Term Wonders as they fell 85-82 to Cityname Sports Team.

Five players scored exactly eight points for the Sports Team, proving once and for all that Nate Kaeding's legs have the same value as Adrian Peterson's. The Philly connection of Michael Vick and Brent Celek put Cityname over the top with a combined 35 points.

The Wonders suffered their first loss of the 2012 election season despite Eli Manning's 29-point outburst. The team's undoing was four or fewer points out of four different positions, including Dez Bryant at the Flex. If he doesn't start drinking soon, he may never play well again. If I don't, these notes might not get any better.

Defending Champs Lay Wood to Stunners
This was the rough equivalent of Savannah State playing at Oklahoma State in college football. Only the Steeltown Stunners didn't get a six-figure check for rolling over and taking one up the ganges from The Man Whores, 123-65.

It was so bad, the Whores could have benched their starting quarterback and two starting running backs and still won by five.

Meanwhile, the Stunners had a running back, two wide receivers and a tight end combine for one point. The star of the show was CJ2-Points-Per-Game. It's pretty safe to say nobody will ever ask to have Chad kicked out of the league.

Journals Rally for Shootout Victory
Willis McGahee led seven players in double figures as the Wall Street Journals won a shootout over Vandelay Industries, 120-105.

Heading into Monday night, Vandelay held a 15-point lead. Then McGahee went off, overcoming not only the 15-point deficit, but also fellow Journal Peyton Manning's three interceptions to score th victory. The "kowski" brothers-from-different-mothers, Stephen and Rob, added 14 and 13 points, respectively.

The Industries put up a valiant effort, led by C.J. Spiller's 28-point eff-you to Bills coach Chan Gailey for leaving him on the bench so long behind Fred Jackson. However, it was not to be prompting Jim Cramer to put the latex company in his "Sell Block."

Nicks the Difference in Iguana Bowl
Griffining may be what all the kids are doing in the Iron City, but it was Hakeem Nicks that put the Iron City Iguanas on top of the their nickname counterpart (the much more eco-friendly Green Iguanas), 92-73 in week two.

Sure, Griffin scored 31 points but that's almost to be expected these days. Nicks' 25-point outburst was much more unexpected and helped overcome a lowly one-point effort from Julio Jones (the "J" is totally not silent after scoring one point).

The Green Iguanas undoing was poor efforts from Larry Fitzgerald and Jamaal Charles. Each was projected to score 11 points, but they combined for one. We understand about Charles. As for Fitzgerald, unfortunately, Yahoo doesn't grade on a curve if Kevin Kolb is your quarterback.

Widow Makers Beat Hair Dye
Someone had to win this game, and it turns out The Widow Makers have fewer sucky players than Nick Sabans Hair Dye, to the tune of an 81-64 victory.

The two teams combined for 11 players scoring seven points or less, and only two players went higher than 13. What a bad game that was.

Week One Notes

Dear Yahoo! Sports,
I don't know who the hell you think you are, but you are not the Commissioner of The OFFL. Neither are you a member. Where do you get off writing recaps? I see no quotes from a team owner about the game. I see now anecdotes mockingly comparing any teams to Jamaicazilian Flava.

Not the same.

We get it. You're trying to make sucky leagues better, leagues that don't have a waiting list. But that's not us. We're the Overrated Fantasy Football League and you better recognize. There are no "smooth moves." There is a "Lucky-Ass." There is no "regret tracker." There is a "Bonehead." Get your shit together, then come back at us with your lame-ass recap and notes. Clearly, you're note-bot was not drunk when he/she (robot boobs?) wrote this. Pay attention.

Yours in Beer,
The OFFL Commish

Monday Night Miracle Takes Down Whores
Despite being favored by eight while facing two-time champion The Man Whores, the One-Term Wonders looked overmatched all day Sunday. The Baltimore Defense changed all that on Monday as they overcame not only an 11-point defense, but also Torrey Smith to deliver an improbable 110-107 week one victory to the Wonders.

The Whores got huge performances from Matt Ryan (37 points), Arian Foster (19) and Lance Moore (who?) en route to a 101-90 lead after Sunday. To celebrate, owner Justin Limbaugh sipped on champagne and ate from his favorite Corvallis diner. Meanwhile, the Wonders were motivating Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and company by telling them they never shot anybody. Convictions, Schmonvictions. The Ravens Defense responded with 20 points on Monday night and an improbable Wonders victory.

The Whores may have two stars, but right now they have zero wins and one loss.

Vandelay Escapes With One-Point Win
Tony Romo scored 28 points as Vandelay Industries held off Brandon Weeden gift-wrapping 16 points to the Eagles Defense to score a 94-93 victory over The Widow Makers.

It was the fourth game in OFFL history decided by one point, the first to involve two teams scoring at least 90 points.

The contest could have turned into a one-point win for The Widow Makers had they started Chad Craig's Chinstrap instead of Ryan Williams. Or, if he had just broken his leg while stretching. In case you haven't done the math, Williams scored negative-2 points. Ironically, it's the same amount as Chad's chinstrap is worth in real life, however, two points fewer in fantasy.

Running Game, Defense Lifts Sports Team
Lee Corso put an oversized beer bottle on his head during OFFL GameDay as he chose the Trough Drinkers to beat Cityname Sports Team. The reigning Plastic Cup holders were not amused, letting their running backs and defense score 58 points in a 119-93 bitch-slapping of the Drinkers.

Neither Adrian Peterson nor Stevan Ridley was projected to do much. Apparently the bulletin board material made it to Minnesota and Foxborough as each went for 20 points. The Patriots defense chipped in 18 points while Nate Kaeding added 16 (one for each tear Justin Limbaugh shed during his loss) in the win.

The Drinkers had six players in double-figures. But they also had the Bills defense, which the Jets treated like Sully's girlfriends. They scored at will.

Young Guns Carry Iron City to Victory
The Iron City Iguanas have never gone to the playoffs. They've never even been any good. In fact, if their owner wasn't undershadowed by his own brother, you'd expect him to be the butt of weekly notes jokes. Instead, you just expect to collect your victory and move on.

Wes Welker Still Goes Home to This.

That is, until now. The Iguanas were the runaway choice in the OFFL preseason poll. And that was before Griffining became the new thing. Six of the Iguanas nine players underperformed according to Yahoo, and they still won, 103-92.

RGIII led the way with 28 while fellow dread-head Julio (the J is silent to Brian only) scored 22. The Wall Street Journals had no chance. Peyton Manning was a pleasant surprise with 24 points, but only five points out of the running game (thanks Willis and DeAngelo) didn't really help.

Rice, Cutler Deliver for Green Iguanas
Jay Cutler went for 22 points while Ray Rice added 20 as the Green Iguanas easily took down Nick Sabans Hair Dye.

Ironically for the Hair Dye, Wes Welker, who has admitted to getting hair plugs, decided not to help the cause with one point. Matthew Stafford and his douche bangs clearly don't care about the Hair Dye either, scoring only 11 points in week one. Hey, you've still got Rob Bironas.

Tecmo Bowls Beat Stunners
ZZZzzzzzz. 88-74. What Yahoo Said.

Iron City Iguanas Tabbed OFFL Preseason Favorite

In what can only be labeled as a shocker, the Iron City Iguanas have been selected by Overrated Fantasy Football League owners as the team most likely to bring home the OFFL Cup this year.

This couple is unlikely. Hal winning the OFFL is moreso.

The Iguanas, who have never made the playoffs in the league's three year history, were the runaway favorites. They garnered six first-place votes (out of 11 possible). No poll had the Iguanas lower than fourth, and nine had them picked first or second.

Hal Craig's team has compiled an 18-20-1 all-time record, making it's projection as the OFFL Champion about as likely as Carlos ever getting back in the league.

Defending champion The Man Whores were the second choice, earning three first-place votes. Like the Iguanas, the Man Whores were placed in the top two on nine of 11 ballots. It is not known if Whores owner Justin Limbaugh will have a new dance for the 2012 OFFL season, or if he will stick wtih the Monkey Dance. The Monkey Dance is sooo last year.

On the other end of the spectrum, the Tecmo Bowls were picked to finish last by a majority of owners. The Bowls, who finished last in the 2011 regular season, are the odds-on favorite to take home the Team Mom this year. That's what happens when you draft Ben Tate in the fifth round.

Full Poll Results

Rk	Team	Total	FPV
1	Iron City Iguanas	19	6
2	The Man Whores	23	2
3	Trough Drinkers	40	1
4	Green Iguanas	56	1
5	Wall Street Journals	63	1
6	One-Term Wonders	64	0
7	Steeltown Stunners	73	0
8	Vandelay Industries	76	1
9	The Widow Makers	77	0
10	Cityname Sports Team	93	0
11	Nick Saban's Hair Dye	95	0
12	Tecmo Bowls	109	0