Week Two Notes

Our apologies for no picture, and no hot chick picture within the notes. Unfortunately the OFFL Computer was accidently left in the office at a certain sandwich shop on 280 on Friday morning. Odds of the commish driving out there before necessary? About the same as Miller Lite surviving his fridge on a football weekend. Hopefully you'll live.


It's Not (Completely) Over
So you're 0-2. Don't worry, you've got company. But you're still thinking, "I can turn this around." History calls "Bull." Five teams have started 0-2 in OFFL history and just one (Trough Drinkers, 2011) managed to make the playoffs, and it flamed out in the first round. However, this year a record four teams are 0-2 after just five in the past two years combined. So maybe, just maybe, we'll see some trend bucking this year. Who doesn't love a good bucking every now and then?

Iguanas Eke Out Tap Handle Preview
The Brothers' Craig went toe-to-toe in the highest scoring close game in league history with the Iron City Iguanas winning 117-116. The Steeltown Stunners 116 points were the third most points in a loss in OFFL history.

The Iguanas got virtually nothing from Mike Williams (0) and the Ravens Defense (2), but their other seven starters stepped up big time by each scoring at least 12 points. Someone in Nashville is selling some really good $#!+ because Kenny Britt went for 19 points after his week one performance of 25. Willis McGahee apparently found the rest of his knee, put it back in, and went for 16 points for the Iguanas.

The Stunners made it close on Sunday and Monday night. Michael Turner dropped 20 and Jeremy Maclin's herculean performance brought the Stunners within one. However, Giants coach Tom Coughlin's choice to take a knee instead of handing off to Brandon Jacobs in the final minutes doomed the Stunners comeback hopes.

This could be a new era for the Iguanas. Two straight ninth-place performances don't instill much confidence, but a 2-0 start and the league's 'most points have our attention. We still wonder how long it will be until Peyton Hillis realizes he's white and stops scoring 20 points per game.

Defense, Stars Carry Hair Dye
When they say the NFL is a passing league, they clearly weren't talking about the match up between Vandelay Industries and Nick Sabans Hair Dye. Josh Freeman and Chad Henne both underperformed and neither was in the top three on their team. It's not Henne's fault though. We blame his parents for birthing Chad Henne.

The Hair Dye used big days from its defense and star players to cruise to a 125-102 victory. Vincent Jackson dropped 29 points while Adrian Peterson had 26, both in losses. The J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! Defense went for 20 points against Jacksonville. There is no truth to the rumor that the OFFL will adopt a golf-like handicap system for defenses, which would have ranked the Jacksonville offense as an 18 handicap and rendered the Jets point total a mere two. We're pretty sure Auburn's defense would post double figures against the Jags.

The contest was decided in the Flex, Kicker and Defense positions as Nick Sabans Hair Dye posted 49 points from the three while the Industries managed just 13, including minus-1 from Kick Returner extraordinair Randall Cobb. Only 37 days until basketball season.

Pathetic Wins Out Over Awful as Cityname Moves to 2-0
It was just not the Green Iguanas day. First, Jamaal Charles tears an ACL. As if the league's all-time worst record wasn't enough, now its first-round draft pick is out for the year. We believe in karma, and therefore believe that Iguanas owner Brian Limbaugh has likely made fun of band geeks for years. Reap the whirlwind!

Okay, so the Iguanas weren't winning even with Charles. 61 points is 61 points. When seven starters score seven points or less, you're not going to beat much. Hell, even his own meat beat Limbaugh this week.

This is not to overshadow the epic averageness of the 2-0 Sports Team. It's basically Tom Brady and the Really?s. Three words: Johnny Knox, yep.

Whores Ride Best and McFadden to Victory
Tony Gonzales came out of retirement for a SportsCenter Top Play and 20 fantasy points, but even that wasn't enough for the Tecmo Bowls to overcome their slipshod roster.

Jahvid Best and Run-DMC both put up 23 points to lead The Man Whores in a 110-93 win. The Kevin Kolb project added 19 points while miraculously Dustin Keller (16) and John Kasey (13) more than made up for owner Justin Limbaugh's decision to start Reggie Bush, who tallied as many points as Kardashian sisters he's banged (that we know about).

Drinkers Overcome Owner to Avoid 0-2 Start
The Trough Drinkers started week two behind the eight ball thanks to owner Scott Dean's deicision to pick up the Bills Defense and start inactive receiver Brandon Lloyd. Yet, somehow, they pulled through, 100-90 over The Widow Makers, to keep from going 0-2 for the second straight year.

The star of the week was Todd Heroman, the Eagles right tackle. Had it not been for his poor blocking skills, there's no way he would have ended up close enough to Michael Vick to give him a concussion. From there, we can extrapolate that LeSean McCoy would never have scored 23 point. And DeSean Jackson probably would have scored more than two had Mike Kafka-Falaffel not been passing to him.

In an interesting note that probably only we find interesting, the Trough Drinkers have been in back-to-back games where both tight ends have scored at least 14 points.

Journals Bench Cam, Still Win
For the second straight week, Cam Newton was riding fantasy pine. Behind Eli Manning. That Eli Manning. But who needs 432 yards passing when you've got the Lions Defense and Rob Bironas? Yeah, you can book 36 points from them each week.

Somehow the Journals continue to be the good-luck team in the OFFL.  They have faced the two worst teams in point total so far this year. They're still just 1-1.

Meanwhile, we have to wonder what's going on with the Wonders. Still with the Shonn Greene and LT starting duo. How'd that work this week (not well)? Basically if Michael Vick doesn't go for 30, the Wonders are more like the Oneders. And he hasn't yet, hence the 0-2 record.

Season 3 Kicks Off With a Bang

Wes Welker went 99 yards to cement the Tecmo Bowls opening week victory

Whoopdie Doo
The 2011 season is underway and six teams are 1-0 and six are 0-1. Well, the Wall Street Journals are 0-2 after losing to the Green Iguanas and the dynamic duo of Tom Brady and Wes Welker. For those of you who think your week one result means something, think again. In two years of the OFFL, a week one victory has been about the same as eating Taco Bell at 2 a.m. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it just leaves your ass on fire the next day.

In both 2009 and 2010, exactly 50% of the teams that have started 1-0 have made the playoffs and exactly 50% of the teams that started 0-1 also made the playoffs. Everyone is still in it. Except Travis. His team is awful.

Iron City Iguanas Sell Out Team for Victory
When your fantasy football team name based on your favorite football team, you're not supposed to draft all of your rivals. Can you imagine a team called the "Bronx Bombers" having Big Papi, Kevin Youkilis and Dustin Pedroia? Of course not. But that's exactly what the Iguanas have done. Sell outs.

The Iguanas went crazy, setting an OFFL Week One record for most points with 135 behind stellar play of two -- gulp! -- Baltimore Ravens. Ray Rice went for 26 while the Ravens Defense scored seven turnovers and 23 total points. Hell, things were going so well for Iron City that Kenny Britt managed to put down his doobie for long enough to score 25 points.

In possibly one of the wierdest things to ever happen in fantasy football, the Iguanas and Drinkers both started a tight end from the same team, the New England Patriots. The Trough Drinkers got 14 points out of Rob Gronkowski while Iron City picked up 16 from Aaron Hernandez. That's 30 tight end points from one team, split between two players, going head-to-head. The OFFL needs a red hotline phone to the Elias Sports Bureau for things like this.

Hair Dye Victory Defies Logic
Nick Saban's Hair Dye owner Michael Mullen earned his LAOotW award this week. It's not every day you get 28 points from your defense and kicker to eke out a one-point win. The Jets Defense interception in the final minutes of their victory over the Cowboys was the difference maker as the Hair Dye won 82-81.

The bigger question from this game is what the hell has happened to the Hair Dye and One-Term Wonders franchises. In the OFFL's first two seasons, each was the regular-season champ once. Now they're fighting over who can make the more inexplicable roster move and eat the most grass. Mullen drafted Mark Ingram in the fifth round, then decided he was worse than three other running backs on his roster. Wonders owner Zac Schrieber started two running backs from the same team.

To put Schrieber's move in perspective, only six teams (20%) last year averaged more than one touchdown per game rushing. Only six averaged more than 130 yards rushing per game. And only three did both -- the Jets weren't one. So, he basically resigned himself to a max of 18 points out of the running back position, and got just 10. Let's just hope Greg (Soda) got mommy's fantasy football genes.

Defending Champs Go Down
There's a first for everything (see what I did there?). Bad jokes aside, what can you do when Tim Hightower is going for 15 points? The guy averages 36 yards/game for his career. His touchdowns have dropped every season since his rookie year. And he didn't exactly get much help from John Abraham in keeping Matt Forte in check. That and Aaron Rogers channeling Katrina against the Saints (poor taste?) adds up to a win for The Widow Makers.

Vandelay Industries weren't that bad [cough, Rashard Mendenhall, cough], but they certainly weren't good. And you know you're in trouble when three of your players have a star on their helmet.

The Widow Makers. That's Parker's new team name. It's better than Total Devastation, but worse than The $hitkickers, which HBO is trying to buy the rights to for it's documentary on the 2010 Auburn football team.

This is better than 517 yards.

Cityname Sports Team Takes Rookie Challenge
The OFFL website imagines Monday night would have been a fascinating night to be in the room with the owners for the Sports Team and Tecmo Bowls. Cityname had just 40 points heading into the game and trailed by 43. And then Tom Brady happened.

As best we can tell, the Tecmo Bowls were clinging to an 83-80 lead when the Patriots took over inside their own 1-yard line. About 15 seconds later, it was a blowout. Brady hit Welker, Welker stiff armed some guy (who has since been released, ouch) and scampered 99 yards for a touchdown. One play, 26 points, one excitedly wet set of boxers in the Jacka household. Or maybe it was Brady's wife that did that ---->

Advice to the newcomer Tecmo Bowls for next week. Send an ugly 20-year old to Ben Roethlisberger's house to bang him. Maybe then he won't have five turnovers and you'll have a chance.

The Man Whores Turn Tricks on Stunners
It was just a year ago that the Steeltown Stunners made us believers. We picked on them relentlessly for picking the Steelers Defense in the fourth round (among other reasons). Then they finished third. It looks like Stunners owner Chad Craig hoped to follow the same blueprint this year. Talk about your all time backfires. The Steelers D managed to score worse than the five-turnover quarterback with a negative-5.

Meanwhile, The Man Whores started the cross-state rival Eagles Defense and put up 18 points. Yep, a 23-point differential. It seems the Stunners are right back where we expect them. Not even Drew Brees' 34 points can save them. Hell, besides Brees, their two best players (Plaxico Burress and Sebastian Janikowski) have spent more combined time in jail than the rest of the NFL combined. I guess it makes sense that a Steelers fan would want jailbirds on his fantasy team. Over the line? Not sorry. That's what we do here.

Auburn Players Ride Bench in Journals Loss
Wall Street Journals Owner Travis Pigg is arguably the biggest Auburn football fan there is that's not investing (smartly) $180,000 on players. At the time it seemed like he drafted Cam Newton and Carnell Williams just because his line up was so stacked with Eli Manning, Knowshown Moreno and BenJarvis Green-Ellis that he'd never need backups. Who could have known they'd turn out to be his two best players in week one? But you would have correctly guessed they were on his bench in an 84-65 loss.

We fully expect the Journals starting lineup next week to be as follows:
QB - Cam Newton or Jason Campbell
RB - Carnell Williams
RB - Ronnie Brown or Bo Jackson
WR - Ben Obomanu
WR - Devin Aromashodu or Terry Beasley
TE - Philip Lutzenkirchen
Flex - Heath Evans
DEF - Seattle (cause Will Herring is awesome!)
K - John Vaughn -- what? He's not in the league?

The Iguanas weren't any good either, save for getting big days from their receivers. Calvin Johnson went for 20 while Anquan Boldin had 13. Combine that with Philip Rivers 19 and the passing game had 52 of the team's 84 points.