The league's owners put forth a lackluster effort to vote for winners (only Scott Dean and Parker Schopbach took the 90 seconds to do so. Apparently everyone else decided to have sex instead. Twice.). Despite the non-interest entering the week, the games were fantastic as three were decided by five points or less and The Man Whores tied the league scoring record.
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Vandelay, Using Latex Gloves, Shocks Stunners
In an epic fantasy football contest, Vandelay Industries and the league-leading Steeltown Stunners traded haymakers all the way through the end of Monday Night Football before the latex salesmen came through with a 94-91 victory. When the Jets and Vikings kicked off on Monday, the then undefeated Stunners were clinging to a one-point lead with LaDainian Tomlinson ready to go. In the other corner, Randy Moss suited up for the Industries.
Early on, Tomlinson carried the day for the Stunners, but it was a 37-yard third-quarter touchdown from Randy Moss that made the difference. Down the stretch, A 16-yard Tomlinson run pulled the Stunners within one at 92-91, but he was taken out on the next play and Shonn Greene (yes, the one that has been in the witness protection program all season) found the end zone to effectively end the Stunners comeback bid.
Outside of the incredible back-and-forth in the game, the cosmic nature of the universe now feels slightly more in line. I mean, didn't everyone think they were in the twilight zone as long as Chad Craig's team was undefeated? Before, I kept waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop out with a film crew and say we've all been Punk'd.
Greenies Fall in Iguana Bowl to Stay Winless
There's something to be said for consistency, and the Green Iguanas are exactly that. After another lackluster defeat, they've tied a league record with five straight losses after falling 74-69 to the Iron City Iguanas. It's virtually impossible to lose when you have three players score at least 15 points, but the Greenies managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory with four players scoring two points or less. It's hard to blame the owner though, I thought Tim Hightower and Jabar Gaffney were good for double-figure points too.
Meanwhile, the winning Iron City Iguanas started 4 1/2 white guys (Miles Austin) and still managed score the win.
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| Ashley Greene |
Through four weeks, the defending champion Man Whores couldn't find the Red Light District with a GPS unit on their cold-sore laden genitals. They had posted two of the worst six performances in league history this season and had a grand total of 250 points (62.5 pts/wk). Then, in week five, Julia Roberts showed up in a Lotus, picked up the Whores and took them to the Wilshire. There, they dined on strawberries and champagne, took a bubble bath while listening to Miley Cyrus on the iPod and pooped a record-tying 150 points on Total Devastation's face.
It was silly. Early on Sunday, the Devastation seemed to be coasting to an easy win as Matt Forte was scoring so often that even Wilt Chamberlain was jealous. And normally 123 points would equal a "W." The total is in fact the highest score ever in an OFFL loss.
However, Shaun Hill (seriously) and company had different ideas. Hill was joined by Roddy White, Percy Harvin, Chris Johnson, Michael Bush (hehehe, bush) and the Eagles defense in scoring 16 points or more. Hell, even Shonn Greene scored 11 points. It still wasn't enough to be the most awesome person with the last name Greene.
Flava Get Stuffed
Wow. I just sat here for 20 minutes and tried to come up with something entertaining to say about this game. Here's what I came up with. Stuffaluffagus pulls off the upset, 83-64.
Drinking Yields Better Results than Wall Street
The Trough Drinkers were clearly drunk when they set their lineup and started the Rams defense. Yes, the Rams (who rewarded them with a negative-5). Despite that, they somehow pulled out a tense 79-75 victory.
The Lucky-Ass Owner of the Week got an improbable 26 points out of Harvard-alum Ryan Fitzpatrick, who was likely doing equations in the huddle. And 25 more from some guy named Brandon Lloyd, who had the best fantasy day by a former Illini since Red Grange.
On the flipside, the Journals had four players hit double-figures, but none broke 15 points. They also got only two points from half-Indian (feathers, not dot) quarterback Sam Bradford. And Tony Gonzalez managed just four points. Perhaps being the Multi-Cultural Awareness Journals just isn't cutting it.
Wonders Ride Rivers, Rice in Route
It was the Philip Rivers and Ray Rice show as the One-Term Wonders moved into first-place with an 88-62 victory over Nick Saban's Hair Dye. Rice tied for the second-most points in the league this week with 27 while Rivers was right behind with 24. A pair of 11-point efforts from Calvin Johnson and the Bengals defense overshadowed four players scoring three points or less in the win.
In the loss, the Hair Dye were downright awful. Their highest scorer was the tight end, and he was followed by the kicker. Add to that a combined five points out of two running backs (if you can call Laurence Maroney a running back) and your flex. Not exactly the best way to win a game. Guess it just wasn't Saban's week.
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