WEEK ONE RECAP: ONE-TERM WONDERS MAKE STATEMENT

Philip Rivers scored 23 points in the One-Term Wonders victory.

FOSTER, AUSTRALIAN FOR WHIP ASS
Arian Foster scored a whopping 41 points, putting the One-Term Wonders on his back and carrying them to a 106-94 victory in week one. The Trough Drinkers put forth a valiant effort in actually posting the league's third highest score of the week. It was a balanced effort as six players scored in double figures. However, it was a lot of better than average, but nothing stellar -- kind of like a night at Sammy's.

Meanwhile, Foster's performance overshadowed a rather pedestrian effort from the majority of the Wonders. Five of the team's nine players scored five points or less, including first- and second-round picks Ray Rice and Calvin Johnson. Another performance like that and they could be renamed The Oneders and forced to play at state fairs.

FLAVA CLOCKS THE HAIR DYE
After winning the Third Base Cup a year ago for the best regular season, great things were expected from Nick Saban's Hair Dye. Nothing like a 105-78 beatdown at the hands of JamaicaZilian Flava (yes, Carlos still owns the team) to quell any and all talk of those great things. Good news for the Hair Dye? They outperformed their projection. The bad news? The lost to JamaicaZilian Flava.

Don't make the Flava OFFL Cup favorites just yet. It took an other worldly 35 points from Peyton Manning as well as 15 points from a Lions running back to get there. Odds of those two things happening in the same week again are about as good as of Les Miles finding a correctly sized hat.

STUNNING!
Count us among those that thought the Steeltown Stunners could have made a run at attaining the magical Golden Donut this year. That dream is dashed after an 84-72 upset of the Green Iguanas in the opener. It wasn't always pretty. Jacoby Jones, who earned Stunners owner Chad Craig the Bonehead of the Week award in the draft, lived up to his billing with two points. However 22 from Jay Cutler and 19 from Austin "I'm a white NFL player, I'm a bad ass" Collie did the trick.

The bigger question here lies with the Iguanas, whose players appear to have worse luck than Sookie Stackhouse. Eight of nine players lost their game in real life while six of nine performed below projection. Here's guessing their WAGs didn't perform below anything on Sunday night.

DEFENDING CHAMPIONS FALL IN OPENER
The Man Whores appeared to still be hungover from their championship celebration (where six women were impregnated, three rendered unable to walk for 24 hours and one had to get her stomach pumped), looking absolutely miserable in an 81-68 loss to the Wall Street Journals.

Tom Brady was great for the Journals, scoring 28 before going home to bang his supermodel wife (I hate him). Other than that, the Journals played like Wall Street this year, shitty. However, it's really easy to get a win when your opponent gets a combined negative-1 points out of its WR2, TE and Flex positions. It was such a bad day for the Whores, they fell one point shy of a 69.

VANDELAY DEVASTATED
Who could have foreseen that a made up company in which George Costanza is the CEO/VP/head salesman would fail to live up to expectation? Heading into the weekend, Vandelay Industries was projected to score a league-high 90 points. Not only did they not, they matched The Man Whores for worst performance of the week. In the process, they got drilled by an owner who's most famous for benching Drew Brees.

All that said, Total Devastation was more of an A-minus Bomb. Six of nine players were in single-digits. Had it not been for Matt Forte miraculously scoring 29 points -- boosted by an 89-yard reception -- Total Devastation would have been more Hiroshima than V-J Day.

NEW OWNER WINS FIRST CONTEST
With an owner who has never played fantasy football before and missed the first five rounds of the draft, one would have thought Stuffaluffagus was in deep -- well, um -- stuff. He can thank three picks he didn't make in Tony Romo, Larry Fitzgerald and Knowshown Moreno, who carried the team to a 78-73 win.

This game was so lackluster that even the Iron City Iguanas live mascot fell asleep. Only two players on both teams combined scored more than a dozen points and 11 fell between five and nine points. There was so much mediocrity on the field, the game might as well have been played between Justin Limbaugh's conquests.