WEEK TWO RECAP: JAMAICAZILIAN KILLA

MAN WHORES GET BENT OVER
Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Last year's champ was likely to pull out a win this week being an eight point favorite over the Iron City Iguanas.  With, what seems now, to be not so surprising the Whores didn't score half of their projected points.  Shows how much Yahoo knows about projections.  The Iguanas led their charge with 58 combined points between Matt Schaub and Adrian Peterson.

YOU KNOW YOU LIKE THE FLAVA
Well it certainly is a new season.  The JamaicaZilian Flava threw down the largest beat down of the week on the Wall Street Journals with a total of 88 points deciding the outcome.  That's double what The Man Whores scored in week 2.  Flava wasn't hard pressed to pull out the win with Jahvid Best (proj 9 points) racking up 40 points.  To say the least, the Iron City Iguanas should be concerned about their week 3 matchup.

VANDELAY INDUSTRIES RELY ON GORE
Both teams came into this game without a win and both were ready to put forth an effort worthy of one - which they both did.  Unfortunately for the Iguanas, Vandelay's allegiance to the 49ers paid off with a monster night from Frank Gore.  On a side note, this game had nothing to do with the Nazi genocide from World War II (see smack talk).

TROUGH DRINKERS TOO DRUNK TO SCORE IN LOSS
Who needs Joe Flacco when your opponent is playing Heisman Award winning Vince Young?  The answer: no one in week two.  Which works out well for the Stunners, because Flacco brought a goose egg to the table.  Not to be shown up, Young went for a whopping -6.  This was a relatively lackluster game with neither team having an offensive (no pun intended) player scoring over 14 points.   At the end of week two, we have the top two teams from last season in the cellar.  They don't appear to be in a hurry to get out either.

HAIR DYE TOTALLY DEVASTATES FOE
Let us introduce you to Michael Vick.  He doesn't play for either team, but is a big reason the Hair Dye took the win this week.  The entire Eagles game the Lions pass rushers (I think they have those) were so busy trying to contain Vick that they forgot about a guy named LeSean McCoy.  He lead the way for the 113-75 Nick Saban's Hair Dye victory with contributions from Matt Ryan and Andre Johnson.

STUFFED BY THE WONDER
All eyes were on Stuffalufagus  as they were vying for their second win in a row in their inaugural season in the OFFL.  Unfortunately for them, they were up against the One-Term Wonders this week.  One-Term had 6 players in double digits not including the Flacco-esque defense  of the Patriots.  Stuffalufagus still put up 80 points, but it wasn't enough to surmount the 99 thrown up by One-Term.

WEEK ONE RECAP: ONE-TERM WONDERS MAKE STATEMENT

Philip Rivers scored 23 points in the One-Term Wonders victory.

FOSTER, AUSTRALIAN FOR WHIP ASS
Arian Foster scored a whopping 41 points, putting the One-Term Wonders on his back and carrying them to a 106-94 victory in week one. The Trough Drinkers put forth a valiant effort in actually posting the league's third highest score of the week. It was a balanced effort as six players scored in double figures. However, it was a lot of better than average, but nothing stellar -- kind of like a night at Sammy's.

Meanwhile, Foster's performance overshadowed a rather pedestrian effort from the majority of the Wonders. Five of the team's nine players scored five points or less, including first- and second-round picks Ray Rice and Calvin Johnson. Another performance like that and they could be renamed The Oneders and forced to play at state fairs.

FLAVA CLOCKS THE HAIR DYE
After winning the Third Base Cup a year ago for the best regular season, great things were expected from Nick Saban's Hair Dye. Nothing like a 105-78 beatdown at the hands of JamaicaZilian Flava (yes, Carlos still owns the team) to quell any and all talk of those great things. Good news for the Hair Dye? They outperformed their projection. The bad news? The lost to JamaicaZilian Flava.

Don't make the Flava OFFL Cup favorites just yet. It took an other worldly 35 points from Peyton Manning as well as 15 points from a Lions running back to get there. Odds of those two things happening in the same week again are about as good as of Les Miles finding a correctly sized hat.

STUNNING!
Count us among those that thought the Steeltown Stunners could have made a run at attaining the magical Golden Donut this year. That dream is dashed after an 84-72 upset of the Green Iguanas in the opener. It wasn't always pretty. Jacoby Jones, who earned Stunners owner Chad Craig the Bonehead of the Week award in the draft, lived up to his billing with two points. However 22 from Jay Cutler and 19 from Austin "I'm a white NFL player, I'm a bad ass" Collie did the trick.

The bigger question here lies with the Iguanas, whose players appear to have worse luck than Sookie Stackhouse. Eight of nine players lost their game in real life while six of nine performed below projection. Here's guessing their WAGs didn't perform below anything on Sunday night.

DEFENDING CHAMPIONS FALL IN OPENER
The Man Whores appeared to still be hungover from their championship celebration (where six women were impregnated, three rendered unable to walk for 24 hours and one had to get her stomach pumped), looking absolutely miserable in an 81-68 loss to the Wall Street Journals.

Tom Brady was great for the Journals, scoring 28 before going home to bang his supermodel wife (I hate him). Other than that, the Journals played like Wall Street this year, shitty. However, it's really easy to get a win when your opponent gets a combined negative-1 points out of its WR2, TE and Flex positions. It was such a bad day for the Whores, they fell one point shy of a 69.

VANDELAY DEVASTATED
Who could have foreseen that a made up company in which George Costanza is the CEO/VP/head salesman would fail to live up to expectation? Heading into the weekend, Vandelay Industries was projected to score a league-high 90 points. Not only did they not, they matched The Man Whores for worst performance of the week. In the process, they got drilled by an owner who's most famous for benching Drew Brees.

All that said, Total Devastation was more of an A-minus Bomb. Six of nine players were in single-digits. Had it not been for Matt Forte miraculously scoring 29 points -- boosted by an 89-yard reception -- Total Devastation would have been more Hiroshima than V-J Day.

NEW OWNER WINS FIRST CONTEST
With an owner who has never played fantasy football before and missed the first five rounds of the draft, one would have thought Stuffaluffagus was in deep -- well, um -- stuff. He can thank three picks he didn't make in Tony Romo, Larry Fitzgerald and Knowshown Moreno, who carried the team to a 78-73 win.

This game was so lackluster that even the Iron City Iguanas live mascot fell asleep. Only two players on both teams combined scored more than a dozen points and 11 fell between five and nine points. There was so much mediocrity on the field, the game might as well have been played between Justin Limbaugh's conquests.

WEEK ONE PREVIEW: MAN WHORES BEGIN TITLE DEFENSE

Roddy White leads the wide receiving corps for the defending champs.


TITLE DEFENSE BEGINS AGAINST WALL STREET JOURNALS
The Man Whores won the inaugural OFFL Cup and begin their run for a repeat against the Wall Street Journals. It'll be a tougher road to hoe than one might imagine though. After all, the Journals went 7-6 a year ago without a draft sheet. Imagine what might happen this year after owner Travis Pigg managed to not get the entire league banned from Hooters. Or not. As of Friday night, the Journals still hadn't set a roster and were projected to get beaten 89-0. Here's calling on Man Whores owner Justin Limbaugh to pull Ronnie Brown and Nate Kaeding from the line up so the projection will be 69-0. Okay, let's be honest, he was already thinking about it. He is, after all, a man whore.


SOMEBODY HAS TO WIN BETWEEN STUNNERS AND GREEN IGUANAS
The Steeltown Stunners stunned exactly nobody last year. And they look to be continuing that tradition under the Lions-esque leadership of Chad Craig, who earned the very first preseason Bonehead Owner of the Week Award (your team is projected to score 70 points. 70.). Congratulations. Meanwhile, on the other side the extremely intimidating Green Iguanas aim to improve on their 5-8 record from a year ago. However, getting two points from a projected 13 from a your flex and kicker on Thursday night probably wasn't the best way to start. Ah, some things never change, but some things do. For instance, one of these teams will have a win in week one. (70 points.)


NEW OWNER MAKES DEBUT AGAINST IRON CITY IGUANAS
The lone new owner in the OFFL, Justin Edwards, makes his debut this weekend against Hal Craig's Iron City Iguanas. This raises the possibility of tampering charges from Edwards Stuffaluffagus side, as he allowed Craig to handle his early round draft picks. It was round six when Craig attempted to draft a second tight end for Stuffaluffagus, as he obviously was focusing on screwing his week one foe. However, the executive committee rejected the pick and Edwards arrived in the nick of time to foil Craig's plot. Now the Iguanas must face a fired up Stuffaluffagus looking to score a win in its owners first week.


COMMISH TAKES ON HARD-LUCK WONDERS
If you look at the 2009 standings, only eight points separated the Trough Drinkers and One-Term Wonders. And, despite the fact that it was the Wonders that scored eight more points, they still failed to make the playoffs. Meanwhile, a fortunate Drinkers squad rode the six seed all the way to the OFFL Bowl before falling to Brent Celek's 21 points (no, it might never be let go) and The Man Whores. But it's a new day in the OFFL. These LSU alum owners pretty much have nothing else to hope for this fall with Les Miles running things at their alma mater. For the winner, it'll feel like Mardi Gras. For the loser, well, he'll feel like the guy with the shovel behind the New Orleans Mounted Police. 


$40 DRAFT PROGRAM TRIES TO BEAT A LATEX COMPANY
Following an abysmal 4-9 campaign in 2009, Parker Schopbach's team has changed names and philosophies. Well sort of. It's no longer "The $hitkickers" or "Finnegan's" but now  "Total Devastation." He's also purchased a program to help him draft and -- honestly -- any investment in this department can't hurt. So, for his $40, what did he get? Drew Brees as his first round pick. Sound familiar? Yeah, same guy last year. Now he has to try and beat Vandelay Industries, which is well known for winning every game not against the arch-rival Trough Drinkers. Some salesman.


THIRD BASE WINNER GETS REPIREVE AGAINST FLAVA
A new day dawns on 2009 Third Base winner Nick Saban's Hair Dye as they look to rebound from a devastating loss in the OFFL semifinals a year ago. The Hair Dye managed to take home third in the inaugural OFFL season, but still ended the year with an empty feeling. Luckily for them, their medicine comes in the form of JamaicaZilian Flava, which went a paltry 5-8 a year ago -- and to be honest, was lucky to do so. Lollygaggers! The Flava, well, they're still the Flava.